The land of unknown
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2001-08-31 03:56:55 (UTC)

Still, but no, yes......... Wha?!

i was talking to Kitty online earlier, but she was having
difficulties so i just left. sorry. but i've been confused
lately. it feels like something is bothering me, but it
feels more like several things at once, but i don't know. i
could speak some of these and try to seek help from
friends, but my problems are so repetative. they're
always the same thing. and it pisses me off. my friends
help me to get over my problems, but then all efforts are
waisted when they return. it's usually the same few
problems. lonelyness, missing Kitty, and loving her,
yes, still. that's what pisses me off. i don't seem to have
any fucking control of my own fucking emotions and
feelings. i still love her even after... u know what....... that
one dreadfull night. but then some part of me has
gotten over her but then is seeking some one. just
some one to love and be with who wants the same of
me. and that's where this damned lonelyness comes
from. always being alone. yea, i know i've got lots of
friends. but there's always that some one, that i've never
had and still don't. Kitty had told me that one night, to
stop doubting. i don't doubt any more. so that means
there is some one, some where, who can love me.
well, i say fuck the pleasentries and can't we just
meet?! i mean, people are always looking for that some
one. but they get others along the way. well, it feels like
the only one who will love me is that some one. well
then what the fuck?! it's not fair. and i know it's not
supposed to be, but it seems every one has had some
one to love and be loved by, but me. and then i meet
that hole in the ground i know so well. the one i've spent
a lot of time in. and let people walk all over me. am i
freak? i know i am. people judge me for my looks. i
know several people who say they don't think looks are
everything. and date some one with a good personality.
but i have yet to see one of them keep to their word.
what about me?! what am i?! I'M EVERY BODY'S
ME?!?! shouldn't there have been one person by now?
there must be one person who can love me. my one.
where's my one. i'm tired of lonelyness. i'm sick of it.
and i'm sure my friends are getting tired of hearing it.
like i do it to myself. well i want out. i want out of this.
school comes too slow. i need some one. if there even
is some one. they're out there. waiting for me as i have
waited for them. but then there's still this part of me that
still thinks it's Kitty. i don't know. it just keeps going. my
emotions never seem to end. the loneyness, wanting
for some one. it never ends. i just want it to stop. just
leave me alone. i lost everything all at once. and now i
have to build it back from scratch. but i don't know if i
can make it. Kitty says she is to be a hermit. to live with
out love. why? some have loved and wanted to love u.
but no one has loved me or seems to want to. i should
be the hermit. u deserve a life with love. i'm still looking
for mine. any sort of love. and if any one thinks this is
sappy and it makes them sick, I SHOULD KILL U! IF
GODDAMN THROAT! hatred, lonelyness, and a dying
humor, are my feelings.

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