30 and Trying to Love It
2001-08-31 03:06:26 (UTC)

I can't believe I'm doing this....

I never thought I would be writing in a journal. I've been
made to do it in the distant past, but it wasnt' something
I enjoyed. I've found out lately thought, that it seems to
help. I figured if it helps me, maybe it would help
someone else. That is so cliche, but what are you gonna
do. I doubt that anyone will ever read this.

But that's how I feel about just about anything. Why would
anyone care what I have to say. Everytime I come up with
something clever, someone else takes it and claims it for
their own, or doesn't bother to at least credit me. I know
that sounds petty, but I really don't like not getting
credit for things I do. Or someone else getting credit for
it. I would probably be happy if they just said they heard
it somewhere instead of taking the credit. I try to do
that whenever I use someone else's stuff, but I find out on
a daily basis that most people aren't like me.

I would be considered overly considerate to most people.
If I am going to say, do or plan something, my first
thought is about everyone that it could affect. I
think, "how would so and so react to this." It's a serious
problem sometimes. I don't like to make decisions. Even
simple ones like where to eat. I would rather someone else
get what they want than to think I have influenced them
with my preference. I have recently discovered that it's
because I am afraid that if I say or do the wrong thing,
it's going to cause them to leave me. I don't know why I
have this huge fear of abandonment. My mom was always
there. I kinda remember a time without a man in our lives,
but my stepfather was a real dick. We'll leave it at that
for now, maybe sometime I will write about that.

Maybe it's the lack of continuity with men that has done
it. Not just romantic, but father figures and friends. I
moved a lot as a kid and maybe that helped to contribute to
the feeling of everything is going to end at sometime,
because in my life, it always has. I've moved or gotten
dumped or just been generally shit on.

This is probably going to be kind of a rambling journal
because I'm just gonna be writing about whatever comes to
mind. I am trying to work out a couple of issues that I
have in my life and I think I can do that, but I don't know
for sure how long it will take.

My biggest problem is trust. I know this and I am trying
to get better, but I find it very difficult to re-build
that. I used to be the type of person that trusted
everybody (provided they didn't give me a weird feeling
from the get go) and would continue to do so until I found
out a reason not to trust them and that would be something
that they would do to me directly, not something passed on
from someone else. According to my husband, that makes me
an easy target. Unfortunately, it's true. I have a hard
time trusting anybody now. I automatically think everyone
is full of shit. I can't help it. I have this cynical
little part of my brain that is always saying, "what if
they are lying, I bet they are." "Why would they
compliment me since I'm not special." That kind of thing.
Needless to say, I have a huge confidence problem and I
still haven't figured out where that started. I used to
think I could do anything. Guess I'm done for now. Later.