fionasunshine

Marry Christmas to all, NOw YouRE All goINg to DiE!

shakespeare was a talentless hack who took the writings of
others and claimed them as his own...

I keep that in my message box, for a reminder of
ignorance. Everytime I log in (which is about once in a
blue moon) I see YOU HAVE 1 MESSAGE and my heart
screams "YAY! Someone loves me!!!" but my brain says
calmly "you fucking idiot, it's just that stupid
Shakespeare comment, nobody loves you dammit" but I check
it anyways.

Less than a week to Christmas and I have no presents for
anyone... or any ideas on what to get anyone. It's not
fair this expectation that people have to get gifts
leaving so much pressure on people. Christmas is such a
HORRIBLE holiday! And looking back I can see how horrible
I have been, all these years, begging my mom for a guitar
last year, and what was it the year before? I don't
remember but it was something huge. And then this year I
had the guts to ask for a camera! A $500 camera that my
mom gently said, that's too expensive, and made me realize
how fucking selfish I am. What if, like she promised, she
gets me a TV. My problem: I don't want a TV, but I can't
tell her that because if she already got it, she will feel
bad and have to take it back and she feels the need to
shower me with extravagent gifts. I HATE THIS HOLIDAY!

The politics involved in buying presents are horrible
too... for example, I bought a sweater for Dustin, 19.99
*marked down from 70! and it's nice and all and then I
found a cd, that I knew was stolen that he had once had,
so I got that, also 19.99 (expensive cd now that i think
about it) so all together his gift is $40, and what if he
just gives me something small and he feels bad that I got
him a nice sweater (which I dont even know if he'd like
it) and a cd in comparison. And so I thought of giving
him only the cd, but then I would have a sweater and no
one to give it too... I mean, it's a guy's large sweater
and I'm not about to give it to Liz or Mary as a hand-me-
down no thought involved present (i love them too much to
be that mean) and I would not give it to Anthony because
any gift more than a nice card might be a symbol to him
that he has a glimmer of a hope, which he doesn't (ruin
our friendship why doesn't he) So maybe I will give it to
Dustin, or just save it and give it to him on his
birthday? (great - a sweater as a gift in AUGUST!) and he
told me he doesn't want a gift (yeah, that's not going to
happen hun) SO what the hell do I do with this sweater?
I give it to him - I bought it for him, so I'll give it to
him.

And then as other gifts go... what other gifts. I have 1
idea for something I bought... ingenious if you ask me,
but secret... and then other than that I have no gifts. I
love recieving gifts, yes, I am selfish that way... but
thoughtful gifts, and that's how I give them too. Gag
gifts aren't quite my style, and everything I get becomes
precious to me...

Gah... I don't like Christmas anymore. There is no magic
in it. I like Hannukah.. you can celebrate Hannukah
without HAVING to buy presents. DAMMIT.

SHT.