OrganizedConfusion

Conversation Peace
2002-12-17 05:30:28 (UTC)

randomness

Dear Journal,
AAHH What has happened. I gained 5 pounds. ::falls
over into convultions:: That is seriously not cool. Well I
feel horrible. Chris showed me a picture of some really
cute guy and I thought about this one dude last year I
called "the hot dude" because I didn't know his name. I
find some great nicknames. The Hot Dude. Mr Fine. Oh
and "Man Whore"! Anyway I said the guy looked like a cross
between Josh and Ryan. He did actually, but much cuter.
Oddly enough I had somewhat of a fling with both Ryan and
Josh. Not a long lasting relationship but with Ryan 3 days
of "going out" and with Josh, I don't know what you call
that. Man Whore too.. I dunno what you call that..
I am talking to Chris about how ugly I am. I don't
understand why people insist to argue with me. Saying stuff
like "I don't get why so and so doesn't like you" or things
similar to that starting with "I don't see why" don't help
me. If I were half as pretty as people say, and if I had
half as great of a personality as people say I have, why
don't I HAVE what I want. Why don't I have ANYTHING. I mean
yes I love what I HAVE so I shouldn't say that. Maybe I am
just greedy and want more. Right now I feel kind of low on
the friend meter. I have those friends in which I LOVE
hanging out with. However they don't know me enough to tell
stuff too. Rod is kind of off in his own world, and caught
up on Haley which, yes I admit, it pisses me off. So what
if I like him, it is best left as friends. I need to stop
caring. I supposed the pit situation would have been a lot
better if he hadn't ignored me by the end of the night for
her though. Not only was I jealous (which I could have delt
with) but I was in a horrible mood and he could tell. All I
wanted that night was some attention and to have a good
time but instead Rod and Terry ran off skating and checking
up on me as I sat there looking stupid. Earlier that day I
attended my grandpa's funeral. Of course I wasn't happy.
Then Rod's dad wouldn't pick up the phone so we were left
there till someone else could give us a ride. I don't know
why but the whole car ride home all I wanted to do was hug
Rod or something like that, but I didn't. I mean that would
be kind of crazy and messed up considering his problems
with Haley were more important to him then someone who
actually cares about him. I would just mess with his
emotions more so that he could spend even more hours
figuring out his life then he already does. My sister was
right, he isn't worth it. I love him to death as a friend
though so it should stay that way.
Sat. night my sister came in my room. She kind of
stood there for a while. I knew why she was there. She had
come to get me to open up to her. She told me she was there
to talk to, and I told her same with me. I figured she
wanted to talk and didn't know what to say. In truth she
wasn't. She told me she always talks to me and I never talk
to her. The purpose behind her visit was to seek out my
inner feeling. People are concerned with me and I really
just want to be left alone. I realise they are conserned
but I react how I do. I opened up a wee bit to my sister
but in truth all I did was reflect upon memories of my
grandpa with her. On purpose of course. My sister told me
how everyone knew that out of all the grandchildren grandpa
had some kind of special love for me. He never quite bonded
too much with any of us but somehow there was some kind of
sence that we connected. I was his "strange child" and it
is funny. Since his death, and since his last hours in the
hospital, everyone called me that, as if to pause and
reflect. I was ALWAYS refered to as strange child. Someone
was to announce my arrival at my grandparents house they
would say "strange child is here" and everyone would know
it was me. A memory brought up I had forgotten. My grandpa
was a man of little hair. One day he said he was going to
get a hair cut. I was little so of course I started
laughing and told him that it sure wouldn't take long. I
remember that everyone thought is was funny and turned a
joke out of it. I remember at christmas me and my dad gave
him a bag of coal and sticks. For about 5 christmases after
that the same bag was passed back and fourth and it was
always funny for some reason. Then one christmas I decided
not to pass it because it was mean. I think I got sick of
it. Who knows. I'm going to miss my grandpa this christmas.
I planned to write more. I realise this entry is
abstract however it is late and I need sleep. Good-night.
-- Allie --




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