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2002-12-17 04:35:25 (UTC)

i am tired. drained. and i have..

i am tired. drained. and i have some rocks in my chest and
(more) uncried tears that are just achin to get out. i just
painted two things for mike. big huge pieces of paper and
that was much needed. tried to paint what i felt. which was
emptiness and daggers. i sound like i am 15 again.
i had such a good weekend. such a good weekend in AC with
rita. felt so good. so good really thurday through sunday.
then today came. maybe i didnt want to go to work. maybe
coming back to reality was disheartening. maybe talking to
chris and him being all shitty hurt me. it hurts me that he
is hurting. hurt me that he was so tired. that he thought
he had a fever. that he was shivering all day. i wanted to
cry, reading that "i've been freezing all day"/ i was
thinking for awhile that i have been hurting because i miss
him, and want to be with him, and it kills me to not be
able to tell him about my day (tears are comin now) but it
hurts me much much more that someone so good, so beautiful,
is hurting so much. in that pamphlet i was reading
today "the alcoholic feels more guilt than the non-
alcoholic will ever be able to know" that sentence i think
is what put me over the edge today. made me really sad,
this sad, this much wanting to cry. because i believe that/
i believe he feels that much guilt, and if there was
anything i could wish for it would be able to wrap my arms
around him and kiss it all away/ i dont want him to hurt,
he deserves so much to be happy. to at least not feel there
is anything wrong about him. i wish he could see himself
the way that i see him.
i went to one of those al-anon meetings today and that
killed me too, i didnt stay for the next one becayse i was
on the verge of tears and i didnt want to be the idiot that
cries. i was by far the youngest one there. and listening
to them and reading the pamphlets, i could only think "this
is not me." i mean, it is, right now , because of him,
because i fell in love with this beautiful, beautiful boy,
who hates parts of himself, who feels all this pain, and
has gotten into the habit of trying to drink it away. and
he is too smart for that, he is too smart and knows the
drinking is only making everying worse, and thatis making
him even more despreesed, and he thinks its all just too
much to deal with. and 5 minutes doesnt go by without my
thinking about him, and wishing he was here, or that i
could call him, and tell him about what i am reading, what
i am thinking, what i am seeing, convinced if he was with
me he would be ok, i could make him see. but i cant. and i
know this, and rita was right, this also makes me sad. and
coming back from there today, the al-anon, i couldnt help
but think, is it really that bad? is he really that bad?
maybe its just me? maybe he just doesnt like me? but thats
the kind of thinking that they say is wrong. but how do i
know? i would have done anything to see him today.
i really feeel like a loser. loser for thinking about him
so much. loser for thinking about guys really so much.
loser for losing myselff. gaining and losing myself within
months of coming back from italy.