Sullen Girl

A Bird Upon the Wind
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2001-08-31 00:38:38 (UTC)

Blah.

That is how I feel right now: Blah. Sorry guys but I think
this will be a griping, pity party of an entry for now. If
when I get it all out I feel like talking about something
else I will but for now this is it.

I think I am depressed right now. I mean I know I have
depression, but I can be okay if I am doing things to take
my mind off it, like working all damn day(gripe), or if I
am out with friends, but when I come home and realize how
alone I feel(gripe) I just hate it. I hate everything. And
checking my email pisses me off even more because Jake is
so god damn inconsiderate with his email habit. And I want
to call him, because I want to talk to someone who loves
me, but if I call him I will just be mad at him because he
hasn't written me in a few days and yes, he tried to call
me once, but still he hasn't emailed me and he hasn't
called again(gripe). To tell you a little about the
constant swinging of emotions I feel I will describe
yesterdays emails to Jake. He wrote me a few days ago, and
I wrote him back a kind of nasty, smart ass email about his
poor emailing habits before I went out last night, then
when I got back I wrote him a short, sweet I love you email
to say goodnight. I am fucking looney. We still say I love
you. I do love him. And that sucks, because I don't trust
him. Not I dont trust because of girls or cheating or
anything like that, but I don't trust him to believe that
he has changed, or to believe he won't be a jealous,
selfish, possessive, insecure asshole. I mean when we are
alone, or with a few close friends, its okay. But when we
get in a social situation he is absolutely pathetic(long
gripe). Nothing turns me off more than his insecurity with
himself. And I want to cry right now, but I can't because
my whole god damn family is home and I am in the office
where I have little privacy. Why cant I cry? It makes me
feel better. I want to cry. I want to see Jake, I want to
see my friends in NC, I want my cat Licorice to be here, I
want to feel good. I hate feeling like I have no control
over my emotions. I hate that I can be ok all day and then
come down so hard so fast. I hate living at home. I have
been home almost a month and I am still living out of a
suitcase. And since I am staying in my brothers room, and
he just went back to college, he took his light with him,
so I have no light in my room and I use a fucking
flashlight at night to get dressed, find my way to the bed
and set my alarm. Can you believe it? A god damn
flashlight, like I am camping or something. Life could suck
no worse(HUGE gripe).

To make things worse, that stupid ass study I was going to
do, I went to my evaluation today and they asked me all
these questions that basically make you want to jump out a
window right then and there, and then they gave me this
packet to read that describes everything they do and what I
have to do. Well first off, it basically warns that the
medicine might not work on you if you are tested with the
low dosages and shit like that. Yeah, like I want to be
worse. And secondly, they would draw blood that day(today),
and the next time, and three more times after that. No
fucking thank you. I hate shots, needles, anything that
pricks me and hurts. No. So I told them I would have to
think about it before I signed anything and they said ok,
just call them if I want to set up another appointment. But
I am not calling them. I mean, its not like my dad is poor
and cant afford a doctor for me. I was just trying to save
him some money, but it is not worth it. Especially if I
dont get better. I dont have time to waste. I need to get
better. I need to get my life back, if thats possible.
Sometimes I feel like that is not possible. Okay, I am not
griping anymore, I am totally fucking serious. How can I
ever be the same when so much has changed. I wish there was
a way I could die peacefully right now. I am too chicken to
hurt myself, and if I OD'd on sleeping pills I would be
afraid that they wouldn't work. Please don't anyone send me
a message about how to make sure they work, I dont need
anymore ideas in my head.

Sorry to be such a downer, but I am just not feeling god
right not and nobody ever said my journal was for your
emtertainment. This journal is for me to say how I feel,
and if you are entertained somehow by that, then that is
just a bi-product of my god awful life. And it's sad that I
can sit here and say I have a horrible life, because I
didn't really until I was depressed, and I think I have it
so bad when there are babies getting beat by their parents,
or people who are born handicapped, or mothers with 4 kids
being abandoned by their husbands. And my life is awful.
Wah, wah, wah, wah. I think I am starting to feel guilty
about being depressed lately. I feel like I am totally in
my parents way, and being a bitch to them because of my
living situation(flashlight, remember?). When I stayed with
Jake for two weeks before I moved back here, he even said
when we got in a fight, that he wished we hadn't gotten
back together(we got back together for like a month or two
just recently, but I told him when I came home I wanted to
see other people so we are not together anymore, just to
clear that up). He said he felt sorry for me because of how
sad I was. I want to cry right now but I am trying so hard
to hold it in when I really want to let it all out. I want
to die. Anyways, so I even feel like a burden to Jake. When
he said that I felt like he had just punched me in the
stomach. I mean this guy, that I thought would always
protect me and take care of me, just told me he feels sorry
for me. He apologized later and said he was just upset
cause we were fighting but he really lost my trust in
talking to him and opening up, because I had told him so
much. He was the only person I could talk to about being
depressed because he was the only one who understood how
painful and sorrowful our break up was. I have to go. I
can't type any longer without being able to cry. Maybe
later.


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