Dear Felicity
2002-12-17 02:34:50 (UTC)

december 16

Dear Felicity,

I know I havent written in a long time. I guess I have
been just too busy and lazy to write some stuff down. Well
a lot has happened, russ is over and gone and joe and i
are going back out. I guess in the begining it all made
sense. It felt good when joe said in a drunken
stupour, "im done being stupid, i want us to be back
together" well it made sense u know. but now, everything
is all wrong. he is acting like such an asshole, and i
just listened to his voice messages and that stupid girl
jen called again. I am not sure if it is jen from last
year, or "mooneys sisters friend" but i dont really care
who it is. i have such a feeling he is cheating on me.
maybe it is because i have kissed two people since we have
been back together, im not sure. maybe its because i dont
trust him for shit anymore. maybe its because i got back
together with him for the wrong reasons. I just dont know
anymore. i do love him. and at times he does make me
happy. but shouldnt love be more than this? we have been
together for four years and u think that would make him
realize how important i am to him, but it doesnt even
matter. he has been taking me for granted for so long
now. i just dont knwo waht to do. well actually everyone
tells me what i should do. 99 percent say break up with
him, my parents think i should take some time off from him
and make him miss me, basically get a life. its so hard
to do that tho. just get a life, when i absolutly dont
have one on long island at all. I do nothing, look at
tonite, i get out of work at 8 and i have nothing to
doubut sit and listen to my depressing music and write in
my journal.

all the things i used to think that i wanted i am just not
sure of anymore. i always thought i would leave college
and get married. well maybe live with joe for a while and
then get married. but now i want to get my masters and
live with friends for a while, i def. wanna go to san
diego. thats a definite!! i just wanna live life for a
while, by myself.

u know, on thanksgiving my family was talking about how if
joe isnt showing me his best now, he never will, if this
is best i am gonna get from him, id rather have NOTHING AT