Autobiography of a fool
2001-08-31 00:24:03 (UTC)

How I am now

I feel almost at peace for the moment. Writing is probably
the best way that I can vent, even though it is not
universally effective. There's only so much that I can vent
in writing before I need to stop and vent some other way.
More likely, I need to distract myself. Unfortunately, I do
feel a little bit shaky. Each day I walk a fine line between
ease and anxiety, and each night I find myself unable to
sleep well. I wake up several times throughout the night and
early in the morning and find myself thinking about A. I
don't think it's particularly healthy, but I should enjoy
these feelings while I have them. I'm told that I won't
experience them all my life, so I should relish the
opportunity now. I don't believe it for a second. I think
that every day will feel like the only day, every moment
will feel like the only moment, and time will stop, or race
by, whenever I'm with the woman I love.
I don't know why I can pass so much time until I feel the
need to talk to her, to be with her. Often times, I feel
like I need to be busy every waking moment of every day, and
I'm often lonely now. Had I never met her, I would not have
felt lonely, because loneliness is being unable to be with
the you want to be with. It's a bit hard to deal with,
because part of me knows, and the rest of me doesn't want to
believe, that she only wants to be friends. How can I have
met someone who feels like my soulmate, of whom the very
mention of her name makes my heart pause, and who gives me
such a serene feeling of peace when we're together, and not
do everything I can, suffer everything I have to, to be with
her? Hrmph. I'm kinda messed up, if you ask me, to think
this way.
It appears to me that she has decided that she only wants
to be friends, and that she is going to act consistently in
that manner--no more mixed signals. Any positive signals
that I've seen, I think I've read too much into them. Ay
caramba, this is tough. I don't want to go through anything
like this again. Sometimes, I tell myself that if I can't be
with her, then I don't want to be with anyone else ever. I
guess that's what happens when you're dead certain that this
person is your soulmate. Anyone else is just a distraction,
so why would I go there? Oh well, more later.