Muse

Perhaps...
2001-08-30 23:05:33 (UTC)

lies around the corner

So I've been dwelling like crazy about Dallas. Last night it
occured to me that I could do something about this. Heres
some more information about the night we broke up.
He told me that he was still in love with me but couldn't be
in a relationship, around the same time he told my friend
Kristin that he didn't love me the way I love him, and he
told my friend Anna that the problem was we were getting too
physical. So I'm really pissed off. He lied somewhere.
Especially to Anna. From the 2nd date on Dallas wanted to
feel me up. He never said so but whenever he asked what I
was comfortable with (he was so sweet!) I would say "No
groping" and then one day he said "Why not?" and I told him
I wasn't ready. Later he apologized for seeming pushy. So
finally, the last time he called me, the last time we went
to a movie, 16 days ago, when we saw Jurassic Park 3 - when
he asked if I would be okay with him feeling me up I let
him. I smiled, I went along with it, I liked it (I'm
supposed to, right?). It was the farthest I'd ever been with
a guy and he knew it. And then he stopped calling. So if he
told Anna that it was getting too physical then he should be
shot, because I didn't pressure him, I took the pressure. So
last night I made plans to talk to him tomorow. He has my
lunch period on Fridays so I figure I'll make him go off
with me to some room where nobody we know is there - and
I'll tell him to give me some explanations or I'll kick his
ass. I'll tell him how hurt I was when he stopped calling
after I put so much of myself on the line. I'll tell him how
if he is in love with me, then I need it to be explained why
he's not with me - because I need to try to get it. And if
he doesn't love me then I'll kick his ass for telling me he
did.
Today I thought was a good day. I really did think it was
good, up until 6th period that is. 6th Period is Algebra 2
and I got bored, so I started writing poetry. I wrote
something decent called Games. It hit the nail right on the
head. It hurt to read it. So I got depresesd. During his
lunch I felt good though. I felt strong, I kept dancing
around with Laura, running around where I wasn't supposed to
be in the first place. He didn't seem happy tho. He sat
quietly torwards the end reading something, head bowed. He
didn't say a word to me all day. I watched him this
afternoon at dismissal. It hurt to watch him. Johnathan
L. was talking to me as Dallas came outside. Part of me
wanted to flirt with Johnathan to hurt Dallas - part of me
wanted to push Johnathan down the front steps of school and
make it obvious that I was alone, and sad, and didn't want
any guy ever again - except Dallas.

Well, Laura wants to talk on the phone. I'll post the poem
later tonight.




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