photofaery

C'est la vie
2002-12-16 21:03:14 (UTC)

Craziness

I've never Really kept what you would call a "diary" much
less one that all kinds of people that don't even know me
can read. Maybe that's why I'm doing this. Maybe this is my
one final cry for help. Or understanding or whateverr it is
that I don't have right now. I've always been a writer. I
write on everything from napkins to notebooks to myself,
just whatever is near me when a thought comes to mind. I
HATE writing! More than anything but it seems that writing
is the only thing I can do to remain sane. I think so much
and I don't even mean to or want to. It just kind of
happens and when I start thinking I can't stop and
everything around me gorws dark and cold and and all I want
is to crawl in a hole and die. Then I start crying. no
matter where I am or who I'm with the tears may strike at
any moment. I could be in the middle of a sentence about a
lovely topic and burst into tears from the strain on my
heart and soul from the thinking. I do everything I can to
make it stop but nothing works. SO I surround myself with
people all the time and try never to be alone. That's why
nightime frightens me. No, I'm not afraid of the dark.
Darkness is one of the most appealing things about life.
It's so mysterious and forbidden. I hate the nights because
then I am alone. My thoughts have nothing to stop them and
drive them back. Evry night I lay awake crying, never
sleeping. I don't understand why. I just get so sad and I
can actually feel the threads of muscle of which my heart
is made ripping into a thousand pieces. If I look down I
just know I'll see them lying on the bed beside me. I know
it has to do with Nic. And with Brad, And with my mom.
Well, my whole family actually. Anyways. I've gotta go. I
don't know if I'll even write again.




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