EmaciatedSun

Sugaree
2002-12-16 21:02:45 (UTC)

Tones Of Home

So, she likes him.

(I'd just like to point out, for the record, that not only
am i embracing my teeny bopperism by starting a diary to
begin with, but by starting entries with sentences like the
one above).

But yeah, she likes him. how do i feel about it? how SHOULD
I feel? its a "Crush". i guess i envy him a bit. well,
actually, let me clarify. i don't envy HIM, or his bad
hair, or his bad jokes, or his bad shirts, or his bad
fucking soul...no, i envy the feelings she has towards him.

I feel a bit sorry for him, too. why? well, basically
because i know what he and she don't. or maybe she does
know, but she ignores it. the fact is, he's new. he's
different. she has the initial crush feelings, the "nervous
stomach, heart racing" feelings. she hasn't figured out yet
that its the feelings she likes, not the guy. as soon as
the two of them get together, she'll get sick of the
regularity of it, and find a new "it" guy.

I was the "it" guy, for about five minutes. maybe four.
then we got together, and things happened, and she lost
interest. its just how she works. its not a bad thing, its
just who she is. she thrives on the excitement afforded by
meeting someone new, or connecting with someone new, or
whatever. the one case where this wasn't true was, of
course, with Matt number 2. he's gone, though. he's not
coming back, either. hopefully she'll realize that.

let the truth be stated here. If i had my absolute choice,
her and i would be together, and it'd be a lie to say
otherwise. Reality, though, HAS set in, and i understand
that her and i can't be an "us", and like i said before,
i'm ok with that. i just didn't think that the prospect of
her being with another guy would bother me so much.

once upon a time, i gave her the butterflies, i made her
heart race.

since then, life happened.

I wouldn't want to change anything, because it would make
it all false and forced. She doesn't have the "Crush"
feelings towards me any more. of course she doesn't. after
all we've been through in the short time we've known each
other, it would be impossible for her to have a "Crush" on
me. or maybe i'm lying to myself. maybe she just doesn't
have any romantic feelings towards me any more, period.

yeah, i think thats the truth. i think she loves me too
much as a friend to say so, but i think its definitely the
truth.

so now what? i'm happier than you can possibly imagine to
be able to be friends with her, and i hope that continues
and works out. i DO want to be best friends, ya know? i'm
just not sure that, at least this early, i'm ready to sit
back and watch as she courts someone new. especially
knowing that things will end with him as they did with me,
when the newness goes away, and another one will have been
hurt. a real friend would support her no matter what. i
support her.

I love her.
I hate her.
I can't be around her.
I can't be without her.

Its really hard to give up. i was always told that you
shouldn't give up on love....

I guess the people that told me that had never met Hannah
(so as to protect her privacy, i have spelled her name
backwards)...

Life is beautiful.
Life is shit.
this song is beautiful.
this song is fake, sometimes.
others its real.

maybe thats an indication of the whole of my being at this
point. all i know is that she says "Bless you" when i
sneeze, and she cries at sad movies, and she sings shyly
along to show tunes...and i watch it all from a distance.

Thats how life goes, though.

I suppose i'll eat something now...and then i'll inevitably
listen to music, play a game or two, talk to HER again,
forget about it all magically, pretend everything's ok, and go to
bed.

and she still won't know that i'm screaming inside, throwing a fit,
but masking it all to help her BE.

I'll wake up, and the paradox will still be there.

its all simple.
its all too fucking hard.

love and hate,
the whiny little Leo.




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