GetItAllOut

Bitch Session
2001-08-30 15:37:13 (UTC)

Ups and Downs

I know all relationships experience these, but we seem to
ride this roller-coaster so often. We argue so often over
the damn computer and his time spent here, away from me.
Lately it is primarily about just this one activity here-
his posting on a web board. I feel like that activity
consumes him. He has to sign on to "check mail" several
times a day, but it has nothing to do with MAIL, it's all
about reading posts. Then he has to respond with his own
personal commentary cause he's never wrong and will argue
vehemently to that end. I dont know why this bothers me
sooooo much, but it does. I've tried to reach a compromise
on this issue....have asked that in the evenings if he
would come home and have his computer time, whatever amount
that may be, but then to leave it....for the rest of the
night! I thought this sounded fair. But did it work? Hell
no!!! He goes back to it at least twice in an evening.
Drives me insane! Yesterday we got into a terrible
struggle involving this subject. It started off over
something i thought so inconsequential.....He asked if i
was happy in our relationship. I said yes....then I
qualified it with a "but" statement. All I was trying to
say was how I felt I could be so much happiER without so
much of a struggle over this issue. I was in no way saying
I wasnt happy....of course I am, otherwise I wouldnt
continue this. At least I've learned that after one
miserable attempt at marriage! But this statement of mine
went way overboard. He took it to mean that I wasnt really
happy....I was happy conditionally...like I loved him
conditionally. All I was trying to get across was that I
felt i would be happiER if we didnt have to have this issue
come between us all the damn time! Well, his reasoning
progressed to the point that he was ready to move out and
for us to separate. he felt like that was what needed to
happen. I couldnt believe it. We were able to talk back
into a more loving mode....and left that whole thing BEHIND
us but......I'm left feeling like this will surface again
and again. He will make this suggestion when we get into a
pretty heated argument. I feel like that's unacceptable.
Even when we argue, we both know we love each other
completely and are totally committed to making things
work...to riding the waves in the realtionship. But there
are times when he makes the suggestion that he should
leave. This is the man I've committed to marrying next
year. We've pledged our lives to each other and we share
the same hopes and dreams for our futures. To me, it's
unacceptable to get to this point in an argument. I feel
that there's nothing between us that we cant find
compromise on. How do I get over feeling like I'm one WORD
away from being abandoned in this relationship? Is this
supposed to change with just us taking wedding vows to each
other? No, of course not. I feel if we, or even if ONE of
us, ever became so miserable in this realtionship we would
resolve it and go our separate ways...we'd HAVE to. But
other than that, we have to be prepared for the ups and
downs, WITHOUT threatening to leave or making the
suggestion that that's what is necessary. Am I just being
foolish here? I honestly dont think so. We have bothbeen
through failed marriages and we both have learned powerful
lessons as a result. We came to love each other in this
relationship and saw for the first time what a genuine LOVE
is really like. We both feel very fortunate to have found
each other at this stage in life. And we both place
tremendous value on this commitment and on this love. But
how do I not begin to feel insecure when this option is
brought up in a heated argument?