Welcome to own demise
2002-12-15 23:37:23 (UTC)

dry your tears of the past let only good memories last.

so i am in such awonderful mood. lately ive been feelin
pretty happy dispite the fact that i should be very
worried.... phentermine is such a glorious creation. not
only do i have way more energy and no desire to eat, but
it lifts my spirits and i cant help but smile. The past
couple days seem so unreal. lately though, i feel as
though im not living my life... im just... sittin in my
body chillen, killin time for someone else to take over ya
know? i really want to drop out of high school, or so i
say.. but what do i really want to do? i want to go back
to st. ben's... i want to be able to come and go as i
please, i want...... to just be able to

can i be me? perhaps, maybe. havent i always been me? you
see, nothing can ever be simple. nothin can just come to
for free. fuck.

so what has the illusent lucia been up to?????

friday marco came over and we smoked thenw e went to his
house then rebecca met up with us there..... we went to
mona's stayed liek a little bit then went back to my house
and chilled..... boring but i scored a lil some some...

saturday rebecca and i got up and went to BB... got
movies... came back watched one and then i got in the
shower, marco came by... we went to albert's.

i finished albert's present which is a big relief bc i
wanted to give it to him this weekend bc i wasnt sure if i
was gonna see him again til i get back from mass...
i had a feelin he'd like it, and when i gasve it to him
and he opened it and everything he said he liked it a lot,
and i believe him. it makes me feel soo good when i make
others happy. i wanna talk to him and see what he thought
about the parts i wrote... ahh i called him not too long
agho but if i were him id still be sleepin, and no one
asnwered so he prolly is...
anyways i got really trashed last nigth and came home
today and chilled, i took a nap for bout an hour or so....
i want to go back to sleep now but i cant.

my dad's fiance julia is here... so far its been great..
he hasnt been on my ass about anything. he didnt even
notice that id didnt get home last night until 8:30 this
amazing how sex erases all concepts of reality, and
memory... no one can quite put things back the way they
belong if theyve been banged good enough....

"The world of drugs is a gilded cage,
locked from the inside i have to find the key,
to finally end this chapter, so i can one day turn the
then maybe i'd be free."

i wish i could feel as beautiful and worthwhile and
amazing all the time.. nto just when im high or drunk or
stoned... i mean, obviously deep down i do think highly of
my self if i have that self assurance when im a lil
bubbly.... bc theres always a bit of truth behind the
comments.... but why have i allowed this tall stone wall
to be assembled around these thoughts, making sure they
never se the light of day.... the guards at attetnion,
watching and waiting for an attack. drugs send flares into
the skies distracting the soldiers long enough for the
door to be broken down.

im willing to work really really hard at school if i was
able to go to bens next year... id stick it out just to go
back there...... wait.... what the fuck..... why do i have
to? why should i? imean whats so fuckign grand about
ben's? the kids r i do have friends over
there and there are def. some awesome kids but ya knwo...
i dont know.. i guess this die hard creature of habit will
just never be able to finsih eanything unless its the saem
as it was in the begining...

fuck. ok well i ahev to go....
i hate that im in love with love and want him oh so badly.