My Open Book
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2002-12-15 02:14:50 (UTC)


I find myself in denial over a certain someone a lot. (it
isn't jimmy at all) A someone who would probably know who
he is and would like to say that he hates my guts but even
I know that that isn't true. I say I hate him, but I won't
say that I don't wonder what happened to us being "friends
forever". I don't know whether he was my first "love" or
not but I do know that our love did end in pure hatred. It
was really weird and it's hard to remember because it all
happened so fast. I did hate him, bitterly, but I will
admit that every time I see him I do tell myself that that
will be the day where i'll break the ice and some how some
way we'll be friends again. Not that I feel that I'm
missing out on something, because lord I know that I'm
not, but I at least think we shouldn't feel awkward being
near eachother and when standing next to eachother we
don't just talk to everyone but eachother, I'm sick of
that, that's weird, if you don't want to talk to me then
don't come near me, I personally don't know who he's
fooling.I told him a lot of things I regret saying. I'm
proud to say that I honestly didn't mean them, except for
the I love you part, I unfortunately meant that.
Unfortunately? Do I mean unfortunately? I really don't
know. Like some day I just wanna say Hi! Remember me? I
was his first kiss, that must suck for him considering he
probably wants to gut me and throw my insides against the
wall. Or does he? Who knows. I personally think he says it
because he doesn't want anyone to know he doesn't regret
loving me. I don't regret it nor do I love the idea of it,
it happened and there's nothing I can do about that but
move on, and that's exactly what i've done. This is weird
because I haven't talked about this in a very very very
long time and I think that I can finally talk about it
freely because I've moved on completely, but find it
hilarious when we continuously ignore eachother. And for
what reason? I know he doesn't HATE me and I know I don't
HATE him but we just aren't friends and I can deal with
that, but I at least say hi to the people i'm not friends
with. I don't know it's weird. Like I have no desire to
talk to him because I think he's a big goofy thing that I
really really don't want to be friends with, but at the
same time I wish one of us would get the balls to say hi.
What makes things even weirder, is he's kind of friends
with my boyfriend. Which is kind of cool I guess
considering I love my boyfriend a hell of a lot more than
I loved him. I think that if I could and if he cared which
I know he doesn't, I'd apologize for making his life
miserable because I know I screwed him up a lot, but he
screwed me up too. I'm 100% better than I was before. I'm
a better person without him. My life without that boy is
great and I've never been greater. I'm so stress-free
without him that it's great. So why do I even care if he
doesn't say hi? I don't. I don't care if he doesn't say
hi. Just don't come over to me and talk to my boyfriend
and expect me not to look at you. Disregard any thought of
me wanting to be friends with him. I don't. At all. I just
think things are weird, that's all.

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