Static and Silence
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2001-08-30 04:26:05 (UTC)

Tearing my heart out

Well, I am so tired right now...and I want to go
sleep...but I can't. I've got too much on my mind. All I
do is lay there in my mind racing endlessly. I
have been sick for the past two days. My tonsils are
swollen and look pretty ugly. I am going to call the
doctor tomorrow morning and get something. I am supposed
to go out of town for the long Labor Day weekend and I
don't feel like being miserable and sick.

Back to the story....

Things were going good for me...and I was crazy in love
with Melissa. I didn't know what it meant when they said
that one's heart skips a beat when one is in love....not
until Melissa. There was something about her that just
drew me to a moth to the flame it turns out. I
was spending all of my free time with Melissa. She would
go to work...and I would hang out with my be. Sometimes she would go out of
town for the work in another town...and I
would sleep all alone in her the
basement...and lay there missing her sooooo much....

It was around this time that I started becoming close
friends with Kristen and Drew. Kristen lived in the
house. She lived in the other bedroom in the basement.
Kristin was such a free spirit. The first thing I really
remember about Kristen...I mean the first thing I remember
about how she came into my life.....was her waking me up as
I slept on the couch. It was early in the morning...around
6 AM...and Kristen came up the stairs from the basement. I
heard the basement door open behind me. I was in that half
waking half sleeping state...where things seem very surreal
and dreamy. Kristen leaned over and asked me if I wanted a
cup of tea. Now I wasn't a big tea drinker at the
time...but I said "Sure". A few minutes later Kristen came
back to the couch with a cup of Chamomile tea. I had never
had this before...but I really liked it. Kristen put some
honey in my cup...and we sat there in the early morning
light...sipping and talking. This became our morning
ritual....not every morning..but many, many mornings.

As the weather got warmer, Kristen would wake me up...two
cups of tea in hand...and we would go outside to the back
yard...sit in the grass...and sip tea...talking while the
sun came up. I know what you're thinking...but it really
was purely platonic. I had no other inclinations other
than two good friends sharing special time together.

Well, I have to mention Drew here. Drew was one of those
people that always seemed to be lost. He always seemed to
searching for happiness....happiness that was just out of
his reach. Drew went into the Navy. He was smart...and he
was going to study in their Nuclear Program. I remember
the night before he was to leave for boot camp. We had a
big party in the woods behind Radd's house....FAR back into
the woods where no one could see or hear us. It was
an "all guys" sort of thing. It was me, Radd, Matt, Steve,
Drew, Andy...and some friends of Andy's that I didn't
really know. We planned to sleep in the woods...we lugged
fire wood, sleeping bags...a cooler full of beer and, etc.. We had a boom
box with us...and a bunch of tapes. We were there for a
few hours..and everyone was feeling a bit...well...buzzed.
I told Radd that I wanted to walk further into the woods.
So Radd and I decided to walk into the woods...eventually
coming to a clearing before deciding to turn back. We had
some trouble finding camp....all in all we were gone for
about an hour. We heard yelling and such...and followed
the sounds back to camp. There was Drew, shirt
off...dancing around the fire...singing Depeche Mode
songs...and carrying a machete. I think Drew really had a
wee bit too much at that point...but I thought it was so
funny....I stayed away..what with the machete and all.

It got late really fast...and to tell you the truth, nearly
everyone was passed out...and I didn't really drink too cooler in about 5 hours. I decided to hike back
to my car...but I had NO idea where Radd's house was. All
I remember was tripping in the dark (no flashlight) and
falling down a hill...and hitting something very painful.
It must have been a tree stump or something. But it ripped
my pants nearly off of my body. They were these khaki
drawstring pants....When I found my car, I realized that
all I really had was one pant leg left. I made it
home..thankful the police didn't pull me over. I don't
think I could have explained why I was covered in dirt with
half a pair of pants on. When I woke up the next day...near
noon....I went outside and saw my pant leg tied to my
car....with a note that said, "Hey, I think you forgot
something last night, Drew".

Well, Drew was only in the Navy for a year or so. He was
discharged for medical reasons. Let's just say he didn't
want to be in the Navy once he got in.

Over the next few years my life would change dramatically.
Melissa tore my heart out. She really got messed up. That
whole stripping lifestyle....partying....I couldn't deal
anymore. It was over....and I hated that. I would have
given her the world...but it wasn't to be. I could write a
book about how I felt about Melissa...but I won't. It's a
story I am sure everyone is familiar with anyway.

I was really close with the guys in the band. We were
playing out a lot. We were doing good. Kristen and Drew
were two of my closest friends. They came to all of our
shows. We still hung out a lot. Then in 93 I met the future
ex wife. That's another story. What I will say about it is
that she was VERY jealous of the band. She gave me a
choice...her or the band. I was stupid...I chose her.

Eventually the guys in the band decided to move to
DC...where they still live today....except for Jamie who
now lives in Chicago. Anyway, I lost touch with the guys
in the band...but I still remained close to Drew and
Kristen. I was married in mid '93...and by mid '96 I was
trying to figure out how my life turned into a living hell.

WOW, I think it's time I stopped for tonight..... Tomorrow
I will go into some stuff that I really have been thinking
about...for a long time now.

Write again soon....night.