A Dreamer's Playground
2001-08-30 02:25:33 (UTC)

Placid and Empty

Thinking of everything that is going on lately, my
depression tends to return. First of all, I am still
considering dating Scott even though his friends toyed with
me pretending to be him online and that he was breaking up
with me. I also feel horrible because today I didn't hang
out with him in the morning when I saw him. I had a lot of
crap to deal with since it was the first day of school and
I wanted to appologize for not hanging out with him, but
when I talked to him online, he either wasn't there or was
ignoring me...I'd assume he was ignoring me because he got
offline without saying hi or bye.
Another thing that makes me slightly depressed is that
even though I consider Tony as my online boyfriend, he is
always either too busy to talk to me or he just doesn't
even when he isn't busy. His shoutouts on his info doesn't
even include me and I don't know if I'm being jealous
because it mentions other girls (I'm assuming he met online
because he said he can't wait to meet them). At times I
wonder if I am being played...I mean everything Tony said
made me feel as though he loved me and I felt the same in
return...I hope it is merely my jealousy creating these
thoughts because I truly do care about him and lately I
feel alone and as though the world is against me.
I am once again sinking into my even worse than usual
state where life just doesn't seem all that worth while.
My hatred towards Rob is once again flaring as well.
I cannot stand to be around him and when I am, my every
thought is that he should die. I truly hate him. Of
everyone in this world, he is the one person I truly hate.
He doesn't even see that I dislike him. He wanders
blindly making out with my sister while I feel like I
should go shoot myself and end the insufferable pain. It
just doesn't end and I feel I am dying in mind and heart if
not body, though at tends to be worse than
physical pain.
Not only am I pained by being mistreated, apparently I
am not allowed to even have the slightest bit of happiness
when my friends are over. I mean just because my friend's
and my weight combined exceed the maximum limit for a
trampoline, it isn't by that much and it's not like it's
going to break.
I mean, how fun is a trampoline if you have nobody to
join you and actually make it fun right? Basically in
truth, it is apparent to me that the trampoline is meant
merely for my sister and her friend to have fun on. It's
like to hell with me, to hell with my happiness, to hell
with how I feel. It's always been like that and every day
something else is added to what makes it like this.

There is only one thing I am certain of
depression is constant and inevitable...I am meant to
forever suffer.

aim = zeos2004