Muse

Perhaps...
2001-08-29 23:48:18 (UTC)

Hurting

I've noticed that mainly depressed people have open diaries.
I guess I'll have to add to their number now. I wasn't this
bad last week, even though I was sad. I dated Dallas since
May. We were a couple since May. I fell in love with him
mid-June. He broke up with me last week. It hurts. I've
known Dallas for forever, we went to daycare together when I
was 10 months old and he was 11 months old. Then we met up
again when we were in third grade. And now, last year we
meet up again after running into each other countlessly
through our lives. And then I fell in love with him. And now
it hurts. A lot. I still love him. I wish I didn't. Dear
God, why do I still love him? I bet he doesn't love me
anymore, maybe he did Friday but he stopped midweekend. He
broke up with me because he didn't want a relationship. He
said he couldn't date anymore. Just couldn't. Couldn't be my
boyfriend. Couldn't be with anyone. I can't understand that.
Since I was a little kid I wanted someone. Anyone. I wanted
to be in love. I wanted some guy to sweep me off my feet and
love me. Relationships are easy. You love someone, they love
you, you talk, you're close, you kiss, you care. What's hard
about that? What? How could someone not want that? How could
someone give that up? I wasn't demanding either. I never
asked for anything except a casual phonecall. And he swept
me off my feet without my asking, giving me chocolates and
hand lotion and kisses and telling me I was beautiful. And
now. Now its over. Now we're supposed to be friends again.
Pretend nothing happened. I don't understand this. I don't.
I love him. He loves me. Why can't we be together? Why? I
knew it was coming. I did. He blew me off for about a week,
no phone calls, no attention. I asked him if we were okay
and he said we were. He lied to me. We weren't okay. He
broke up with me. He said he'd drifted and he couldn't do
the relationship thing right now. Just about killed me. It
hurts. It's killing me. I feel hollow inside. I want to cry
all the time. I woke up the next day in tears. And the day
after that. And then the day after that. He ended it Friday
night on Instant Messenger. Its Wednesday now. Its the first
day I haven't cried, and the day isn't over.
Today I actually talked to him some. I cut my study hall and
went to his lunch period to see my best friend Laura - she
got transfered into his lunch period two days ago and I'm
dying of loneliness during my lunch period. I have people,
but not her. So I'm with her and we're going over the
Algebra 2 homework which I didn't understand or do last
night. We're surrounded by Sean and Andy and Laurel and of
course, Dallas. Then Dallas comes and starts helping me. I
tell him that Curt (who is my friend Felicia's boyfriend and
Dallas' best friend, and in my lunch) will help me next
lunch. (Laura and I obviously didn't have a clue what we
were doing) But he takes my book and starts walking me
through it. I wanted to cry. I wanted him to go away. I
couldn't take it. Friends? After everything? I didn't want
his help. I wanted him far away. Like in a different state,
or country. I wanted him near me so much that I knew that he
shouldn't be within miles of my prescence - because it hurts
to be near him. So he helps me. Walks me through it. I gave
looks to Laura the whole time, praying that she would find
some way to get him gone. But she didn't and we did my math.
Then I put it up and we talked a little, the three of us
(and Jamie who came and sat with us). Then Dallas got up and
went to play with some of the guys. I made Laura get some
M&M's with me. I needed the chocolate. It hurt so bad. It
just did. She told me I had been freaking out, but only she
had noticed. I knew. It hurts. It hurts so much. I want to
cry. Or kill him. Or slap him. Or have him take me back.
Tell me he's wrong. That he worships me. Have him try to
make it work. Have him explain why he can't be with me. I
just want to stop hurting. Thats all.