Sarahbellum

more than words

I write/type in here a lot. I need to do it more than I do.
I need to do it everyday. I'm just lazy. There are days I
have so many thoughts...so many worries...so much pain, but
I don't get a second to breathe let alone a second to spill
out all that builds up. I think I would be so much happier
if I was a different person. How can I be different? I am
me and I can't escape it. So Perhaps the only "happier" I
can achieve is to get out all the bad stuff. The world is a
much bigger place than my head, my heart, or my soul.
Sometimes it feels as though every worry or every scrap of
love in the world is concentrated in me...and that makes me
feel selfish to think that I'm the only one that can worry
that much. Or care that much. Thus another worry.
I think i'm gonna eat a sandwich, I'm hungry. I will
put it off a few minutes. I called to get a Spanish tutor
because I am floundering horribly. I sometimes fail to
comprehend the hola....my teacher is from Spain and she goes
so fast. This year I will not hesitate to talk to my
teacher...but she doesn't have enough time. I have Spanish
class 4 days a week. I can't escape it. I still have three
more semesters to suffer through as well. All this because
I want to write American novels...I don't even know if I'm
good enough to write anymore. I feel like a child in all my
worries and preocupations with being good enough...can I
make it? I think I am going through career adolesence.
Anyway...I slipped away from my point. I called to get a
tutor with the number my lab teacher gave me...I managed to
get ahold of preventive diseases. Thinking back I think
that perhaps I should have asked for some sort of
antidepresent happy pills that make me think that the world
is perfect and I will manage to read two chapters in plant
and soil science, 30 pages in an epic poem while
distinguishing what style is being used and how it is
parallel to other things, and how it is obvious that it was
written in the 8th century while speaking of the 5th or 6th
century and also on top of all that pick out what is related
to the 5th century and what shows that it was written in the
8th...I don't know anything about any of those centuries. I
just recently grasped the concept that even though it is
2001 it is referred to as the 21st century because the very
first century started with 0. How did I manage to make it
through life NOT knowing that was the reason. I never took
the time to think about it. So now I'm left rambling about
the way centuries are titled and I have no spanish tutor.
HOLA!!!! I'm gonna make a sandwich now and then I'll get
back to my complaints...which I like to think of as an
emptying of troubles into the world....
I am eating my sandwich and chips. I turned on the
tv....90210. This show sucks. I used to watch it when I
was younger. Now I don't get it. Ok it is going off. Oh
my it is coming on again...maybe I should change the
channel. I made my first gyno exam appointment today. I
don't mind if people would rather not hear about things like
that. I am cleansing my head. Quit reading. It won't hurt
my feelings. I had to complete a class today...quite
embarrassing. The instructor even commented on my horrified
expressions. When they hold up a pair metal tongs and
annoucned that those will be inserted into you...how do you
not make a face? I made my appointment for tomorrow. I'm
quite terrified.
My mom called. I lost my train of thought. That
happens a lot. I have too much to do too little time...I
guess I'll empty my head later. I had a great time last
night. I need at least one night a week when I don't do
anything except enjoy the time I have here...enjoy the
people I love. I'm sorry for the slight pain and discomfort
I caused...but I have come to believe that perhaps it might
have been worth it...I had a great time looking at our tree
on his car. He doesn't know it's our tree...but I won't
ever walk past it without thinking of him...so it is
forevermore...OUR Tree!!!!