zipdydo

honeybear
2002-12-12 03:48:34 (UTC)

lonely

I can't believe that I'm writing all my problems on the
internet, but I figured that it was healthier then sitting
in my room alone for hours doing nothing but losing myself
in my thoughts. I just turned 18 and after a rough
childhood I thought that things would get better but they
just seem to get worse. I left home when I was about 16.
My parents had problems which ultimatley resulted in
divorce, about a week before my 17th birthday. I met my
boyfriend shortly after. He was all that I could have
asked for. I am a daddies girl all the way which is why I
have been so depressed lately. When my parents got
divorced I decided to stay with my dad. He didn't have
much money so he lived in a camper for about a year. He
always told me I could stay with him but I knew he couldn't
support himself and me. My boyfriend was trying to stay
out of trouble but some how always ended up in jail so when
he was out we were usually living on the streets and in and
out of cars and motel rooms. we made our money by selling
drugs on the streets. I kept my part time job as a
waitress so that my dad would not suspect what the real
story was. I always felt like a burden so I tried to never
ask him for anything. After a while I started to realize
that my life was nothing and I would never amount to
anything more than a waitress. My boyfriend who is now my
husband got me off of crystal and we decided to stop
slanging. Then a few weeks later we were picked up for
sleeping on the streets. They let me go but put him back in
jail. I started to realize what the drugs were doing when
a friend of mine shot a mutual friend and was put in prison
all because he was coming down. After 22 days my boyfriend
was released and we decided that if we were ever going to
build our own lives we needed to get out of that town. So
without telling anyone when or where we were going we
packed our lives in my car and moved to another state. We
have been here for about a week and it has been
bittersweet. I grew up in that town and now I miss my
friends and most of all my dad. Before I left I promised
that I wouldn't dissapoint him and I'm trying to do my best
but sometimes I feel like I will never overcome these
obstacles. However me and my (now) husband our living in a
house and have jobs. We are also attending community
college. I just hope we can keep doing well and that we
haven't left everything we love in vain. One day I plan to
return to that town as a success. All I want is to tell my
dad I love him and miss him. This is the first christmas I
haven't spent with him. I worry about him and I wish there
was some way I could see him but I know he would be proud
if he could see me now.

-HONEYBEAR-


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