My Reality
Ad 2:
2002-12-12 01:28:54 (UTC)

i've got a new attitude...

ok so i am done being treated like crap i am done being
takled down to i am done being put down i am done being
someones doormat...i am going to have to realize that to do
this i cant be the sweet little innocent baby girl any
more... yeah standing up for yourself takes balls...but im
working on that....i have officially told preston off...i
told exactly where he could shove it because i am not a
whore and no one has a right to say that i am...i am not a
liar and no one has a right to say that i am no one has a
right to say anything derrogatory about me...its just not
right i have been very nice to him and i have treated him
with respect and i am not...i mean i havent done anything
with him really since the whole josh incident when i fucked
up and came to see him a week and a half after josh
left...i messed up big time and i realized that and i quit
doing anything bc i felt guilty...and while we are on the
subject...i havent heard a god damn thing from josh in over
a month now...i am a little put off by that....but oh well
i still care about him and hope that he still wants to see
him bc i still think about it a lot, even though i probably
shouldnt...but oh well thats my cross to bare....anywho, so
yeah a new attitude....this attitude cmoes from lots of
stress and exhaustion of exams and preston...between the
two i am done...preston can kiss my ass he goes back and
forth so much one day he is nice and the next day he isnt
so thats it....if he wants to talk to me thats fine but i
will no i refuse to make any attempt to talk to
him bc it just isnt worth my time....and secondly exams and
dorm living is starting to take its toll..i am getting my
shit in order...i want to lose weight i want to be happy
and i want to do better in school bc when i dont it brings
me down even more than when i realize im just a short
chubby brunnette....see thats the thing...i am ready to
have some one around permanently who doesnt make me feel
like that..i am ready to be happy...and i realize i ahve to
start with myself...if i lose a little weight that would
make me unbelievably happy, but if i lost weight and had a
boy to love me...well then i would be in not
saying i have given up on josh no fact i am still
kinda waiting for him..but one day if things dont get
better i am sure i will lose hope...but i think when that
day comes i will be prepared...its like with preston i
waited around for over a year before i just stopped in josh still has me for quite a long time before
i completely give up hope...i just have recently met this
person who has given me a new look on life and how i am
percieved and how i have been looking at dating all
wrong...this guy who happens to like me but has a
girlfriend has really brought things into
perspective...boys like me...and i find that humorous bc i
never thought they did before but i am starting to see that
i am somewhat attractive and i have plenty of things to be
confidnet about there are lots of guys in this world that
want me so damn it i should just fess up to it...i should
stop buying into what i have heard for the last year, that
i am not good enough and that no other man would want me,
and start looking at thigns differently...i can now see
that i have a great chance at being happy..and i deserve to
be happy....its about me from now on...until someone shows
me that they want to make me happy first, then i am not
interested,...until someone is willing to do the things
that i do for people for me, then i can wait...boys dnot
make my life they just make it more interesting...anywho,
so the conclusion is...preston is over with and done, josh
is still really what i want bc he treats me right and he
tries to make me happy, and outside of that if he ends up
dating someone else or not wanting me then i know that
there are boys that want me...i mean its not top choice but
i know that i can survive even if he doesnt want me..but
god i want him to want me!!!...i miss you baby...why havent
you talked to me???