Mindy aka Cutie

The life of a suicidal Teenager.
2002-12-12 00:20:04 (UTC)

Just kiss and make up

Howdy. I'm at the library right now supposed to be doing
homework. I'm not, I'm getting so fucking tired of studying
so damn hard. I mean I'm taking college classes and making
100 in them. I think for once I can take a break. Well, me
and Ricky made up. He promises that he will never do
anything like that again. I'm so scared that he will
accidently hurt me again. And, that time, there's no more
second chance. There is no more it's ok. I love him to
death and love comes first before anything. They say that
you can't love anyone untill you love yourself first. I
belive and don't believe that that is true. Yes, you can
always love someone if you don't love yourself. But, it is
a special love you can't experience. Like take me for
instance, I have learned that I have to love myself - it's a
life or death situation - so therefore I can love others. I
told him that after seventh period I would tell him an
answer and, I thought I have nothing to loose but myself.
And, he is worth all of it. I am so special ...I mean
someone loves me. But then, I start to think about the
thing I mentioned earlier about how do I really love him or
love him becasue I am scared to be alone. The more I think
about it, the more I am confused. Don't get me wrong he is
an awesome person, but would I ever experience a different
kind of love with someone different? Right now, I don't
want to even think about shit like that. As long as me and
him are happy , as long as we are in love now. The future
counts but, to live to see the future, you have to survive
the present. This guy in my Spanish class thought I was
crazy today. I told him to kill me and showed him the razor
blade, he just started laughing. That's what I hate people
like him who think suicide is just one big fucking joke.
Guess what, it's not. I wonder what he would have done if I
had just slit my wrists right in front of him. So he could
see that I was serious and that you don't mess around with
some people like that. You can never teach some people.
Why can't they just understand that what you say, the
simplist things, can hurt someone more than they will ever
know. This is probably one of my most cornist entries but
hey, it's my diary......right? The next time he screws up I
have no choice but to say, goodbye, it's over. I don't
deserve to be treated like shit. And, even if I love him
with all of my heart, I won't surrender my emotions to him.
They are mine and all mine and I won't let him hurt them
like he did. You should see the brose on my neck. Last
night I thought I had skin cancer. LOL. What a geek I am.
Ricky is sitting right here next to me watching me type this
whole thing...say hi Ricky "hi" Yea, that was Ricky.
It's funny, he's mexican and I am one of the most white
girls I know. But, we make a good match as long as we can