Mindy aka Cutie

The life of a suicidal Teenager.
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2002-12-11 17:19:59 (UTC)

Mr. Binky aka Billy

Alright then, this is the entry where I talk about my ex-
fiance. Yes, fiance. Even though I am only 16 and I was
engaged when I was 15, I know what love is and I was in
love. So don't tell me that I wasn't and that I don't know
what love is. I DO. And, if you don't believe that I do
then your just like all the rest of them.

Me and Billy ( William Martin ) aka Mr. Binky met through
my friend Crystal Todd who happened to be his ex-
girlfriend. At first all I really wanted was someone to be
there for me in high school when I started. At first he
was an object. So, we exchanged letters, and then phone
calls, then eventually we met. When we did, it was at the
skating rink which used to be "the place", he asked me to
be his girlfriend. I thought wow, a 17 year old asking me
out. I was impressed with myself. So, I did it. After a
couple of months my possesion turned to like which turned
to trust worthy which turned to love. He was the first
person I ever told anything to. The first person I could
do anything in front of. We could fart, burp, just
whatever in front of each other. Around our 8 month
anniversary, I lost my virginity to him. Now you have to
understand everyone thought we were to good for each
other. My friends thought I was to pretty, and his friends
and family thought I was to smart. So, people didn't
really make this pleasent for us. We were together for a
year and nine months. Now, as a teenager that is a hell of
a long time. I started going out with him when I was in
8th grade and it all ended my sophmore year. The night
before we had had an argument over how much time we were
spending together and he got upset and hung up. the next
morning, he came with a letter. He gave it to me and said
I'm sorry. Starting to walk off I grabbed him and told
him if he wanted to do this, ruin my life, then he would
have to grow some balls and read it to me himself. He sat
there ever so calm and read it. I don't think there was a
worser time in my life. I just sat there astonished that
almost two years just went down the drain. I frantically
told him well, what about us getting married, having a
family, going to college together. Anything I could think
of to make him stay with me. I didn't care what I had to
do as long as we were together. I would have done anything
for that boy. Anything. I went throught the day like it
was all a dream. Crying all day and when my friends came
up to me and hugged me I just stood there. I felt
nothing. I was empty. I told my family that night and
they all said they were sorry, but that it was time. The
most distenct (can't spell I know) moment of nothing was
the next morning when I was in the shower. I noticed how
the water was running thoguht my blonde hair, totally
covering it with it's richness washing out anything dirty
or bad it had. And then I remembered, I had nothing left.
You know that feeling you get when your about to throw up
but you can't because you have alreayd thrown up so many
times? That's what it felt like but 10 times worse. A
week or some days later I felt completely hopeless. I
turned on my radio and just popped in any cd that came to
me. It was Linkin Park. I put it on random so I could
just get a mixture of all the songs. The first song was In
The End. The lyrics went, "I tried so hard, and got so
far, but in the end it doesnt even matter. I had so far to
loose it all, but in the end it doesn't even matter. I put
my turst in you, you and the things that you do."
Somehting to that effect. And I thought wow...that's me.
I tried so hard to do everything right wtih Billy, tried so
hard to win him back, but in the end it didn't matter
because he had made up his mind. Even to this day I have
his teddy bear and sleep with it. It drives Ricky mad.
That bear isn't Billy....I HATE HIM......the bear
represents that feeling of love I had. Becasue, I know I
can never have that feeling again. I can love someone just
as much or even more as I did billy, like I do Ricky, but
it will never be the same feeling. So, I hold that bear,
and pretend that I'm happy so everyone else will be happy
that I'm happy. One night I thought there was no more
hope. I took a steak knife and cut my wrists about 10
times horizontally. I still didn't know how to properly
kill myself and hadn't been introduced to the razor blade
yet. I took 12 sleeping pills which I had been perscribed
to counteract my depression meds. I was so scared, and I
don't know why, so I told my mom. You may think that that
ment I didn't really want to die...but you know, I REALLY
DID. She took me to the emergency room and they pumped my
stomach. That was the first time I tried to really kill
myself. And it scared the shit out of everyone.


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