Mindy aka Cutie

The life of a suicidal Teenager.
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2002-12-11 17:02:33 (UTC)

Hurt by somone rather than myself

Ok, so I am going out with this guy named Ricky. We have
been together for 3 months and two weeks. Not very long,
but I have been in love before and I know what it feels
like. With me and him it's love. Yesterday he got mad at
me for making a generalization about a guy. I told this
girl Melissa why he was upset and he just left. He says he
hates it when I tell other people my problems. So after a
while, I walked to the building he was in because my
classroom is there also. He walked me to class and stopped
me by the window. He kept going on and on and on about how
I don't care about any of our fights. I simpley said I was
going to class. That I wasn't going to fight about
something so stupid. When I tried to walk away he grabbed
my arm. During the first month we had had a similar fight
and he grabbed my wrists so hard he left bruses for a
week. I was scared he was going to do it again. I got my
wrist/arm free from him and tried to walk past him. He
grabbed me by my shoulder and pushed me into the wall. It
didn't hurt at the time. But, I woke up this morning and
my whole neck is brused. It looks like someone tried to
strangle me. He cried and cried and even went to the
guidance consuler to talk about things. Since I have a
thing about not likeing consulers I told her that the only
way I would talk to him is if it was just me and him. She
left. I don't think I have ever seen another human being,
besides myself, cry like that. I immediatly felt bad for
something I didn't do. When the counseler walked back in I
stood my ground and said when I decided weather I want to
still be with you or not, I will find you. In other words,
don't call, talk, walk, or even look at me. The first time
he hurt me he swore on his life he would never do it
again. That he dispised men who hurt women physically.
And look, he is one of them. I know that even if he says
he won't do it again....he will. It's kinda like a
disease. You can't make it go away. And, I know that if I
stay with him and he hurts me again or more that it will be
my fault. My fault for not breaking it off, for being so
afraid of being alone that I would put up with shit like
that. I thought about that alot lately. Do I love him
because I really love him. Or, do I love him because I am
so desperatly scared of being alone? After Billy, I will
get to him later - reason I mainly tried to kill myself- I
have always looked for the same feeling I felt with him.
Maybe I just want that feeling not really what ther person
has to offer. So I go looking for someone..ANYONE...who I
think I can manipualte into loveing me just so I will have
security. After I finished my homework, I just sat in
front of my mirror and cried for three hours straight.
Looking at myself telling myself how ugly I am, that I do
everything wrong, and that if there is a god and he loves
us so much, why does he make us live lives that we want to
end. I finally got up and went to bed. This morning my
mother was late picking me up to go to school. I live with
my grandparents because my siblings drive me nuts. I
called the house and my step-dad (sexual molester as I call
him) said that she was asleep and that he would be there in
10 minutes. I was like great my mother forgot all about
me. It seems like just because I don't live with them it
means that I am invisible. That they don't have to worry
about my pathetic excuse for a life anymore. Why can't
someone just shoot me already. I brought my razor blade to
school. Just incase. Maybe I won't do anything darastic,
just enough to make me feel good. Now, what do I do about

Just another day in the sad, pathetic life of me, Mindy.

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