can't fight the moonlight...
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2002-12-10 04:45:52 (UTC)

sardou (again)

so sardou is still into me. what the fuck can i do about
that?? he told me a couple of days ago through IM and i
just sort of stared at the computer in a bit of a daze
until i realized he had signed off and i didn't have to
reply right away. today he sent me an IM basically asking
for me to say something, but i have no words.
its not a surprise. i knew it, through ryss and just plain
old intuition. but i don't know what to say to it! tell him
i'm madly in love with him? i'm not. say that hes just a
friend to me, nothing more? well, i don't think thats quite
true either. i can't lie and say that something serious is
going to happen between us, because its not. and not
because its him, but because i have too much shit to deal
with to feel bad for neglecting him, as i already do b/c it
probably took a lot to say what he did to me and i'm just
sitting back silently. anyways. i don't want to date him
again because i just have too much to deal with, between
the real world and my own fucking issues that have been
popping up way too much for comfort recently. i don't want
to fuck him (?) cuz i don't want to lead him on. damnit, i
love him, hes such a great person and theres no way for me
to say anything without hurting either me or him. hes one
of the only guys whose ever brought me to tears, and thats
not a bad thing! the only other guy was eric, and thats
saying something! god, what am i going to do?? say "thanks
but no thanks" and pretend to be some cold person who can
just ignore somebody elses feelings and words. i'm not
(despite what i've been told) i call myself a writer, yet i
can't find the words to say to him! i can write a poem that
brings my friends to tears, but try and actually
communicate with one of them and you might as well bind and
gag me. ok, i'm going off on a tangent (wow, theres a
shock) and i have resolved absolutley NOTHING. but, i feel
a little better. i think.

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