Ad 2:
2002-12-10 04:17:05 (UTC)


doesnt nothing about this feels right so i figured it
best to go downstairs when andy came up and said dinner was
ready. figured go downstairs, eat with mom dad and andy and
mom just talked on the phone and i started to listen to her
conversation, and she was talking about renting the
apartment on 28th, the one they said i could have, and i
went upstairs and went into my room where i had a good cry,
hadnt cried all day, i was due. thought about how i just
didnt have the stregth to talk to my mother, saw her in my
mind as 30 ft tall, and never, ever letting me leave her.
and my dad was knocking on the door while i was crying, and
i got a shirt and underwear and decided i needed a shower.
cried some more in the shower... where i thought about my
moods of the day , and all the different things i thought
corresponding to my moods, all my different feelings, and
about conversations i had with rita when we both used to
drink and smoke every night and how we couldnt tell what
was real, what you think and feel when you are drunk/happy
drunk/depressed stoned/thoughtful stoned/paranoid, any
combination and we came to the decision that it was all
real. and i wondered what i thought today was real and it
must all be real. and i thought about when i used to be
medicated for every day being like this and was any of that
real? and of course it was, and thinking of the diagram on
the board Jean drew of the illusion of the self, and i
thought about thinking too much, and what that does, when
you read into things you cant really know, when you think
too much about peoples masks, or your own mask, when you
think too much about memory and the past and anything that
happened in the past that effects you now and how you'll
never know how real any of it is. and i came to the same
decision and ending place i always do when i evaluate like
this (only after i had a hysterical crying fit because "it
just takes some time, little girl, blah, everything
everything will be just fine everything everything fill be
alright" came on the radio) i came to the same ol
conclusion that its all about what you want. its about the
way you WANT to think. it's about your will. what and who
you will yourself to be. its never consistent i dont think,
maye some peoples wills are more consistent than others .
but for the majority of the time, the way you want to
think, will yourself to be, is who you are. and sometimes
its much easier to sink, sink, sink, its so much easier to
be shitty than it is to be positive, i dont know, for me
anyway, its hard trying to be the way i want to be.
sometimes its very easy, and somedays its very hard, and
somedays i let myself be in the gutter, and somedays i cant
help it, and usually always after a good nights sleep, i
wake up a different person. but i do believe "when there
is a will, there's a way/" i do believe that.
so even though i was a crazy person today, and i will most
likely be a crazy person for the rest of the week, i will
do what i gotta do, even if it means dressing up like
saint francis.
needless to say, i got outof the shower and gathered the
guts to talk to my mother, who shot me down, did her
hypocrite mother things telling me i will never be able to
live without her, without this house, never be able to
support myself even with a full time job, i am
inconsiderate of her, and i could only fight for a minute
or two before my strength gave way and i broke down crying
crying harder than all day and ran to talk to my dad for
awhile and blew about a pint of snot out of my nose. and
now i am tired, i am spent, i havent a tear left in me,
and i still have a paper to write, a mother to convice i
need and can live by myself, a saint to impersonate, a
quasi boyfriend to somehow convince to come back to me
because i know in my bones and in my heart whatever we are
doing right now is not the right thing to be doing, another
lonely cold holiday season to gut through because it wont
work, a colloquium to figure out, a future to forge, a
story to write, a book to write, and sleep, lots of sleep,
to be had....

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