helena

hmm

somebody uppp there has a really twisted sense of humor.
When i was younger i was very vain. I had so many complements they got to me. Then i went through a period of not being attractive you know a geographic location(ideal of beauty is different when you move), stuff that happens in life etc that helped me develope the other parts of my personality. I was never comfortable before of people staring at me and telling me they loved my eyes. I was almost ashamed of the attention I got. yes and the weight gain also masked some of that.

When my beauty was hidden for a short time (it was out of my conrol) and I worked on the other parts of my personality I realize the things that are lasting.

And also after being failed in different ways by different people and in different situations I made a decision that I was going to have a steady hand and I would be in control.

Yesterday ethan told me that he has some heart and soul invested in me and why am I staying with the other guy. And when will I leave. Hmm funny I thought he would be here by now but no. SIGN NUMBER 1. That bastard will fail me when I need him most.
How can I take that gamble on my life..because I stay with ~~ for my safety from alot of things I haven't told them about. Ohh I have faith in love and etc and that you will really come through for me...NOT.

Mike just now was telling me how hot I was. I've forgotten that I'm attractive..with so much that's been happening to me. I've been too busy rebuilding my life. I've had too much stress and too much hate directed towards me. He has a strong attraction to dark-skinned girls. He wants to get married etc...he wants me because of where I was baptized and because of my boob size. He was kidding about that I think.His kind of marriage is for life though. He's like a priest etc.
He's very handsome too...blond hair blue eyes and he reminds me of J...thats why I was being cold to him today.
It seeems all the guys I ever meet are blonds. ???? What's up with that??
so is ethan.
I just told mike who i'm staying with. He asked me specific questions and I answered. There's no point in lying about anything really.He realized that I may have sex with ~~ etc.
I explained to him that my safety was a prority and that was all I cared about. I couldn't care less about sex. He told me to tell him when I move up there.

Hey if beauty can get me what I want bring it on..if sex can get me what I want bring it on. ~~ is the one person that I know I can trust right now because I haven't known the rest that long. They could use my position against me. They could use it to control me.
I have given ethan lots of chances to just leave. Maybe that's what he's demonstrating right now.Maybe he's trying to stay away from me so he won't have to feel what he does. I missed him alot last night ;'( and I was close to tears.
Or maybe something's happened to him.
He didn't like it when I said spontaneously 'I love you'. He wanted to analyze it and he wanted me to not say that. He was over-sensitive right now he said because his (psycho ex gf who is now in jail) treated him so badly and she even ripped him off(he's rich).
I said I love you because he wrote something so adorable I wanted to bite his cheeks to pieces. He said I didn't know him enough to say that. So I thought f*ck that and f*ck you.

Ethan liked me anyway though before he knew certain things about me. I dont thinkk thats the case with mike...mike was at times kind of cold or absorbed in something and he made me feel like'ohh maybe i'll talk to him when he wants to talk' and now that he saw a little leg and boobs he thinks i'm hot and blah.

Yesterday I think I made E sad ;(. Well I said my life was complicated after i told him that ~~ had made alot of sacrifices for me.
He kept asking me question and I didn't answer so after a while he stopped asking. Is that why you left me alone ;( how cruel after all that we talked about.

In my mind I had already decided to violate my personal code for you. you bastard. My idea was that if I'm so prepared that I can afford to make a 'mistake' even if it ends up screwing me over because you know they all do. I though maybe if I'm very attentive I can afford one lapse in judgement.

I know this : When it comes to a choice between what you have to do and what you do for a loved one, don't give up anything for anyone.

I might end up doing it anyway. Just to show you that I do still rebel and that I'm the one who's in control of my damned life. Just to say 'f*ck you' to all the bad luck i've been having.Just to once show to you that yes I believed in you and trusted you although you failed me. Sad thing is what I'll give up...its not worth much anymore so its probably not that much of a sacrifice.

John didn't know about this. He gave up his dream and oops the girl ended up leaving him anyway.

If only T were dead and if T hadn't cause me so much pain in my life I wouldn't have to worry about staying married to ~~. Then i'd be ok. I wouldn't need anyone.
That's right even now I don't want to need any one of them. I wouldn't want them to think I needed anything.
But I'm stuck..they're my only hope pretty much. I'm as trapped as a 60's housewife.

Perhaps I could convert to islam and marry them all. A woman can have up to 3 husbands at a time.