No Matter How Hard I Try...
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2002-12-09 23:59:03 (UTC)


I've done alot of thinking and a lot of trying to figure
things out. I lied to myself for years. I just realized it
the other night. Someone made a comment about my horrible
dating history and it made me think. Why was it that way?
And why did I decide to change it? In 5th and 6th grade I
went out with guys because I wanted to be popular and it
was "cool" to have a boyfriend. Well, I had a boyfriend
that lasted for a LONG ASS time. And I really really did
love him. But, he died. I never wanted to be hurt like that
again. This guy and I went on and off from the summer
before 6th until the beginning of 8th grade. I had a few
boyfriends in the time this guy and I were on our off
times. I only had these boyfriends because I wanted to be
popular and cool with my friends, I didn't care about
anyone else. When Tim died, I didn't know what to do but I
knew I never wanted to be that heartbroken again. I also
stopped caring what people thought of me. I dated quite a
few guys and broke it off everytime I started to so much as
really care about them. I didn't want to get hurt. I ran
after like a week or two with each guy. It was stupid. Last
year I decided I didn't want to be known as a slut and I
dated 2 people during the year and 1 person during the
summer. None of it lasted, of course. Then I realized I was
being stupid and my heart was going to get broken many more
times and I finally let everything with Tim go. I finally
rid of the horrible burden. Then I met Terry. He isn't like
any guy I've ever liked. And I haven't rushed into a
relationship with him either. He hurt me really bad at one
point. But, I got over it. Now I realize everything is
going to be ok. I'm done with my running from people. I
guess lessons come in the oddest forms sometimes. I am
actually surprised that I have dealt with everything that
has gone on with Terry and that I haven't been like, yeah,
bye. I'm proud of myself. It's weird when you try to figure
things out and then it suddenly comes to you and you
realized you denyed that it could have been the reason for
so long.