My Heart and Soul....
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2002-12-09 21:10:33 (UTC)

A Story from a "Popular" girl...

An odd thing has happened the last couple of days...a number
of people have brought up the subject of my popularity vs.
their own "social status". I explained this to all of
them...but I want everyone to know what it's really like on
the inside...

In 7th grade I started giving things up and changing myself
in order to get "popular". Coming from 6th grade, I was fat,
unattractive, and had very few close friends. In 7th grade
I turned that around. Lost weight, got pretty, had a
boyfriend...and I was "popular" Every 13 year olds dream,
right? Yea...until I look back at what I did to myself and
people around me in order to get there, and how I am today
because of that. I shunned people. If someone couldn't
offer me a stepping stone to get where I wanted to be, I was
mean to them. Horribly mean to some people. I starved
myself. Started an eating disorder, that has gotten worse
over the years. But, I was popular. I loved it...but I had
to work for it. I hung out with a lot of people that I
didn't really like...I got burned a lot. Backstabbing was a
way of life with them. Do what you have to in order to be
popular. Thats how I lived my life. By 9th grade, I was a
class officer, had tons of friends, boyfriends, and I felt
great. I was skinny...I was Popular. The perfect story of
high school. I had what everyone wanted. In 10th grade, I
stopped caring. I was depressed. I gained weight, I was
single the whole year, and I withdrew from the social life.
The sad thing was, I hated it. The only good thing to come
of it was that I met Gaby, and built on of the best
friendships I have ever known. Junior year, I got back on
it...class president, boyfriend...I was getting back up
there...and not realizing what I was doing...I did what I
had to to make people like me. I chose my friends only by
what they had to offer to me. I started drinking, I started
doing drugs. I was the life of the party. It was great. It
was great from then on. It still looks great. I go to
parties, I have parties at my house. Everyone in the school
knows my name, I have my future planned out, I've lost tons
of weight, and I'm still popular. FACE VALUE...yea...take it
as that. Nothing more.

Everyone seems to be convinced that being popular is the
answer to all the problems of adolescence. Well...everyone
is wrong. I'm not a happy person. Yea, I look happy, I act
happy....but there is so much more to me than what everyone
thinks. I don't have a lot of people I can confide in. Sure
there are a few people...but even them, I have a problem
being honest with, because of the way I grew up. I learned
not to trust people. I learned that if you are skinny, and
wear the right clothes, the guys will want you. Great....so
basically...I've spent the last year of my life getting into
drinking, drugs, and sex...just cause thats what everyone
expects of me. I've lost sight of my morals, I've lost a lot
of friends that I could have been close with, I've made a
lot of enemies, and I fucked up a lot of relationships that
I'll never be able to rebuild. I've got an eating disorder
that I can't control anymore, because I'm popular.

Still doesn't sound too bad? Well...add to the drugs,
alcohol, sex, and eating disorder a total lack of self
confidence. I can't have a boyfriend, because I try so hard
to make sure that I am everything they want. But I always
mess that up, because I never really learned how to build a
relationship with someone. I had boyfriends...yea...but
that was because they were cute, or popular, and I knew if I
was with them, that everyone would think I was cool. The
first guy that I really opened up to was David. And I know
my problems bothered him. I was depressed all the time. I
wouldn't ever eat. I think that my problems were part of
what drove us apart. I had a supreme need to feel loved.
I've always had that. I wanted him to know that I was not
just his girl...but I was Jenn Forsman....

Now it's my senior year...I've been single for almost a year
now...I hate that. I can't find anyone that I like...maybe
because I'm not trying, maybe becase I won't let myself. I
am constantly surrounded by people...but how many of them
are for real. Sure they are my friends....but only in the
light sense of the word. I don't trust most of them as far
as I can throw them. I don't open up to any of them. I
don't really relate to any of them. I love them all dearly,
but I don't trust them.

Sooo...being popular...I have lots of people who like to
hang out with me because it lends to their social status, I
drink too much, I do drugs, I shun people, I'm depressed,
and I have an eating disorder. Someone please tell me why
EVERYONE doesn't want to be popular.

Take it from someone who has spent the last 6 years of their
life being popular. It's better to go through life with 1 or
2 close friends that you will have forever, that you can
trust with your life's secret...than to be surrounded by a
million people who love you for your name, and never knowing
who you can trust. Being popular is over rated. I'd give
anything to change the way I lived my life. But I can't do
that. All I can do is tell you that its not some glamourous
life, and it's not all fun and games. So before you ask me
why I'm unhappy, since I have "tons of friends" think about
it for a while, and let me know what you think....

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