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2001-08-28 02:58:03 (UTC)


"I've been lost, for some time"

Why is thinking so hard to do now? I do it everyday without
even knowing it, but when theres a deadline, and when I get
stressed about it, thinking becomes an antichrist. Its the
only way I can face all of my problems, and then I realize
that facing them will lead to making decisions, and that
means choosing. Just thinking about making decisions, when
i feel so deep in trouble, makes me weak. There are so many
questions on my mind. And i just need an answer, or a point
in the right direction now...

"Theres no denying, I dont wanna hear
forever when I close my eyes"

1st problem: Kevin. He's so nice and so sweet and so
perfect, but i feel like I can't always trust him. He is so
talented, and I would feel it such an honor and privilidge
to be with him. And I would never be embarassed. But yet he
is everything that I have ever wanted, and I know he wont
smother me... It will be a more mature relationship. But,
he has beautiful laci with him at the moment... and we dont
get to talk a whole lot.

2nd problem: Dustin. He is everything I thought I wanted.
People are different online than they are in person. I was
and he was too. He's nice and sweet, and I trust him like
nobody else. But we never see eachother without controversy
because he doens't have a car. He is in love with me, and
would do anything for me. But he does smother me, alot.
He's such a good guy though.

3rd Problem: Mattie and Shaw. The whole Homecoming thing
was perfect, but then Shaw had to go and turn out to be an
asshole to Mattie. So what will we do now? We could resort
to Mike, dustins really really really hot friend that i
really want, or Kev, which would make me feel so
comfortable, but yet so uncomfortable...

4th problem: weight. I just think about a peperoni pizza in
my mind, and i nearly melt. I dont want it, but yet I do.
I yurn for food so bad, but I know that if I was to eat it,
I would totally regret it when I became fat and unhappy
again. But is it better to be thin and unhappy? Also, my
whole family is freaking out on me tonight when I tried on
Jenny's shirt because I dont have ANY clothes that fit me
anymore. NONE. No pants what-so-ever and barely any shirts.
One skirt and two pairs of windsuit pants are all I have.
How's that gunna last me thru the year? Or even thru a week?

There are alot of problems... too many to list...
especially when I'm this worn out and tired. All i know, is
that I am an independent person, and i need my space. I
can't be too tied down, and I just need to be free. Right
now I feel so trapped. Trapped in relationships and
problems that surround me... Is there any way out?

"I can't seem to find, what it is that I want"