Road to Freedom
2002-12-09 02:46:30 (UTC)

Just spoke to a friend

At least I think we are friends. Sometimes I think if he
heard something from someone else bad about me, he would
believe it. That has been our relationship from the
beginning. Last year at this time we were not speaking.
Said I spread rumors about him and his girlfriend wanting
to get married. I didn't. 3 months later he finds out
that it was her ex boyfriend that I use to talk to decided
to fuck me over and use my name to spread things. Ever
since then I don't trust him. Well that is a lie, I havent
trusted him since he broke my heart in Appleton.

Oh yes, I am not sure why I continue the friendship. Most
say it is because I still love him. I don't think that is
the case anymore. I just don't want to be the person to
break off the friendship. Actually I don't want to tell
him I don't trust him and think he is an asshole. I think
he knows I think he is an ass at times, but the trust part
would hurt his feelings pretty bad. I shouldnt care about
his horrible past and shit. I should care about me. SO, I
just don't seek him out anymore. I let him write me, which
is hardly ever unless he needs something.

Guess I had more to say than I thought tonight.

I have major decisions to make about my life. I know
everyone does and that everyone else seems to think my
decision should be an easy one to make and execute. WELL
it isn't.

I need to get into a routine. I need to exercise daily and
watch what I eat. I do really good for about a week. Then
I just want to do nothing and sit and eat all day. My
shrink is working with me on this. My biggest things is
why do I do it. I don't know what I feel half the time, I
just know that food makes whatever I am feeling feel
better. I am 5'3 220. My highest weight was 230 and that
was about 8 years ago. I find myself there again. Last
time I lost it with a trainer but I also was introduce to
Jesus then and had church and a trainer to focus on. She
went to the church LOL so she would pick me up for the gym
and church. She rode my ass good and I lost 50 pounds.

I was happy, but then people treated me different. I didnt
like that. Why was I being treated better? That pissed me
off. I really think that is why I stay big. I think it is
unfair that weight determines your social standings.
Sometimes I think when I find a man that will love me for
me and not what I look like then I may want to lose the
weight. My shrink laughs at me. Oh well.

It does feel better to write stuff down. Till next time.