Sullen Girl

A Bird Upon the Wind
2001-08-27 22:31:07 (UTC)

Life today and a little more on the boyfriend tip...

Well, today is another day, and I pretty much feel useless
right now. The only thing keeping my head up right now is
that I am a little bit closer to maybe finding a job. I
want to be a teacher so I applied at a school to be T.A.,
but they said I would have to commit to ten months, and
right now I don't know what I am doing tomorrow, let alone
for ten months, and I want to keep my options open for when
I am ready to go back to college. That is where I should
be. At college partying with all of my friends, getting
ready to graduate, instead I am back at home feeling like a
big fat loser! Don't get me wrong, I have friends here, and
the DC area is great fun, but it's not my life here. I
don't have my stuff surrounding me making me feel
comfortable. I would rather fall asleep on the couch than
sleep in brothers cold dark room. I want my room, my bed,
my blankets, my pictures, drawings and tapestries on the
walls. This house is so ugly to me. Anyways, so this school
that said I had to commit to ten months may be
reconsidering and allowing me to work as long as I can. So
thats cool, because its a really nice school, and it will
look great on my resume. I love kids, they make me happy
even when I am not. Before I moved back, my dad said I had
to get a "real" job when I came home, like an office job or
some secretary, filing bullshit. I would be miserable.
Doesn't my dad understand that right now I need to be
happy, and surrounded by things I love, and I damn sure
don't want to work in an office wearing some ugly business
suit all day.
So another accomplishment I made was taking yet another
step towards treatment for my depression. Thats one of the
reasons I came home was to see a doctor. So I was looking
through job ads in the paper and came across this ad for
people who are depressed. So I called the number, they
asked me a few questions, and ofcourse said I sound
depressed and tomorrow-yes tomorrow!!- I go in for a two
hour assessment-WOW! I am a little scared, you know, scared
that even if I go see a doctor and get medicine I won't be
fixed. You know, like Humpty Dumpty, "all the kings horses
and all the kings men couldn't put Humpty back together
again", I am broken and what if I can't be whole again. The
worst thing about this depression is that it's not only
affecting me now, it's affecting my whole god damn life and
future. By the time I get back to school, what if all of my
friends have graduated and moved? And what if Jake and I
can never fix things because I am a psycho nut? So here's
the thing about this treatment, it's a study and at first I
was a little wary because I don't like to be a guinea pig,
but my friends said it sounds pretty good: I get to see a
psychiatrist for free, free medicine, and 50 bucks to go
once a week for an hour. But the medicine thing is what
scares me, there is a one of five chance I will get the
placebo prescription, which ofcourse is basically a sugar
pill and does nothing. But if I don't see any results I can
quit the study they said if I am not happy. So I will let
you know what happens tomorrow.
Onto Jake and our saga. Things started to get bad after a
year or so. He was always jealous, like in the beginning he
would accuse me of hooking up with his friends, which I
sort of understood because I had hooked up with 2 or 3
before we began going out, and he had a fucking girlfriend,
right? So that would cause some small fights. But then it
started getting worse. Since we didnt go to the same school
he didnt know all of my friends and I didnt know his, but
so? Not to Jake, he would always interrogate me about who I
was with and if I mentioned we were at a guy friends house
he'd get upset, not mad but sad-unless he was drunk. Like
one night we were at a party at my school, at my friends
house. He had brought a few of his friends so he would know
more than just my close girlfriends. So anyways, the kegs
are gone and we need more beer, I say "Jake, Tracy and I
are going to get more beer what do you and your friends
want?" He says like Heineken or whatever, and Tracy and I
walk across the street to my house, but my car is blocked
in, so we just walked a block to the store. Well I get
back, and Jake is like "Just going to the bathroom, huh?
What took so long, where were you?" And ofcourse I am like
asshole, I went to the store to get us beer like I told
you. Things like that, he was always accusing me of things
and that made me feel awful, you know? Plus he always wants
to argue infront of everyone and make a scene and that
makes me feel even worse. If you want to argue do it where
not everyone is watching. There have been many incidences
like this, often in public, often infront of my friends and
his, which is embarrassing to me, apparenlty he doesnt
care. He has never hit me, but he has thrown me on the bed
and pinned me down while yelling, screaming in my face.
Other scary times were when we were driving from NC to VA,
where I live and we got in a fight about something and he
was driving out of control, and it was my car so I was
begging him to stop, pullover, let me drive. He was going
too fast around curves. I seriously wanted to jump out of
the car. Things like that began happening and soon my fairy
tale image of him was fading. The love and magic I felt was
getting weaker, and his jealous antics were not making
things better. Tomorrow I will tell you how we broke up,
and whats been going on since. Wish me luck at my
pschiatric evaluation!!!