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2001-08-27 20:22:18 (UTC)

Back to School

The second week... geez. I couldn't even get out of bed
this morning. I'm so tired as sore from EVERYTHING~ its
crazy shit. I swear I am gunna fail spanish this year and
I'm gunna cry. Mrs. Freeburg doesn't explain anything and
she gets soooo off track sometimes. And Mr. Moss- I am
going to die before I CAN get an F in his class. So many
notes and he doesn't give any directions. The only thing
that keeps me goin anymore (which is pretty sad cuz its
only the 2nd week) is the thought that.... why am I going?

I dind't sleep last night because I was up talking to Kevin
until late. And the more I talk to him... the more it makes
me consider other possibilities, and the more it puts me in
doubt. Dustin has too much time for me.... and Kevin never
has any. Dustins in love... and i wish Kev did... or is it
the other way around? Kevin and I are in the same
situation. He's going out with this beautiful girl named
laci. Prolly his dream girl. And then theres me.... I'm
semi hooked up with Dustin... so adorable and he would do
anything for me.... And then theres Kevin.

OMG! today the cutest thing of my whole life happened. Shaw
and Dustin talked to Broc after school.... and he said
Caitlin was hot and he wanted her phone #!!! she has been
seriously in love with him since they first met in gym
class. They would talk all the time and i predicted, the
first time I saw him, that they were perfect for eachother.
Its the look I swear it works. Amy and Trent- the
look, perfect for eachother- and they are still going out.
Cait and Broc, now its finally gunna happen.... I started
screaming when Dustin and Shaw told me- I called Cait up
right away screaming it to her and we both went hysterical!
So great. I'm goin over there tonite after we go to the
first SOPHOMORE football game!!! YAY!

You know what i realized about this whole HC ordeal. Its no
longer an ordeal. Everyone is gettin exactly what they
want... or wanted... And its all planned to be great.
Dustin will be gone this weekend, and thats giving myself
plenty alone/ kevin time to figure out how i really feel
about everything. I'm not making this same mistake that I
made last year. I'm not going to break anyone's heart and
I'm not going to leave someone, and myself, alone for
Homecoming. I am going to Homecoming with Dustin. And thats
final. And you may be thinking- Its a dream come true. You
used to talk about him like he was your soulmate and
everything you could ever want. Have i just lost sight of
that? or has it all changed as I've gotten to know him? I
see that its changed.. but I also see that, He is the same
as johnny. And everything I see and love about kevin is 50
million times more perfect than what i saw in brad last
year. But i also can see myself speaking these same words
last year... and choosing a road... and being alone.. until
now. I can hear myself saying the same things, and i feel
like I have learned my lesson about broken hearts and love,
and then it happens again to me... And i feel trapped in
something so... so.... i see it now and realize it was
perfect with johnny, but i kno it wasn't, and i see dustin
now and realize he might be... but i ALSO see kevin... and
I wonder, what if we're meant to be, and what if we're both
falling, so hard, so fast, and so awkwardly, away from
everything we've planned, into eachothers arms? would that
be the wrong road? Tell me how you've planned it god, give
me one glimpse into how things are supposed to be.
Otherwise I just remain confused.... All i want is an open
and free relationship. But I haven't found anyone I love
who is like that. Who is like me. I am so independent and
so persistent on being free, that it makes me not want to
be in a relationship. When I really find someone I love, I
will know it when we are together. The first kiss will come
in the middle of a sentence... he will be the first to give
me flowers... and the first to give me a New Years kiss...
my first real love. And if he would be my first real
love... then he would be my last, because real love only
comes around once... and I'm not one to mess around with
something thats not perfect. I'm not one to waste my time
on something I'm not 100 percent into, and something I dont
beleive in. I have a whole life to live, and I dont plan on
wasting it....

I have to go up and do all my homework now.. then I'm off to
Caitlins. Back to school time is such a hectic time. So much school,
family, friends, guys and mayhem all mushing together. I hope I can
handle it... because it just keeps coming.

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