2002-12-08 17:34:14 (UTC)

Third entry

Lets see,
Going to the mall, whith Trica and Emily, and
Sarah. No money though just gonna try on some stuff. New
clothes after christmas. Fun,Fun, well i got droped off at
church today- parents on vacation. Yeah so i just hung out
at the tores around the place. Talked to some guys, i dont
know as i feel more and more depressed i start to do more
and more things that i would not have done in the past.
Teenagers- ha, only if people knew how i felt, like that
mabye you feel so trapped in a cage of some sort that
theres no lock to even try to unlock. In that case mabye i
should just lay down and die. Yesterday was hell, sister
and me got in a big ass fight i ended up locking myself in
my room and falling asleep in my closet with the music
blaring. Trying to drowned out the rest of my world. Ha
times like that i wish I had the guts to take my life. I so
wich i could but i know even if i ran away, i could survive
that. I could, but its when it comes to death, somthing
stops me from even trying to complete it. I give credit to
the people who have the guts to comit suicide, they can
finish the job. Me I'd get the pills to OD on and I would
not be able to take them. Like there might be hope that my
life could get better. At school it does im with my friends
and everythings good but when im alone or just in low state
of mind, i feel so much like stoping all the fucking pain.
All the pain of what my father brings, with his drinking. I
guess when i think about it, it does not effect me that
much. But he makes my mom mad and then shes upset and yells
at me. And then my gay ass sisters who think their cool.God
it pisses me off. I just want to make the noise and the
pain stop, why have to go through all of that to come out a
druggie. God im just babbling. But its fine, gets my
thoughts out. Sometimes i wonder if i was just able to end
my life, death, suicide, kill myself. Sounds so vain. I
like it. My friends they just take everything i say about
the drugs and not being here anymore and they dont put two
and two togather. Like i know they care and most likey they
would be sad if i was not there anymore. But its my way for
a cry for help i guess. Before i am able to do what i want
with myslef. God if Chris heard this, ha hed think i was
crazy. Im not the crazy one, hes the druggie


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