2001-08-27 10:15:15 (UTC)

if I am who I am, should I bother to care?

I've been thinking lately.. about who I am.. what I am..
The way I act..
Am i really being myself or am I being how people treated
me? Said to me?
I really do not know.

When friends in elementary school pickedo n me or ignored
me. .I'd flee. Be shy. But then in Jr. High school I was
creative. free. And when I was, 'popular' people would pick
on me and exploit my openess. Talk about me. And I was sad.
depressed. I started to close my shell. At least blocking
the populars with a huge brick wall and made me not trust
people as much. Then my friends dropped one by one I was
finally realizing they werent friends. Though they acted
like it.. they were not. They treated me like crap, they
never kept a secret and they always picked on me. (friends
have always been this way to me) And i ignored them. I had
the craving and need to be loved.. and wanted. In
highschool, it was different. Suddenly (in the beginning of
the yr) I was notcing some popular people liked me, I had
lots of guys chasing after me and I (thought) i had
friends. Real friends. And highschool (my first year)
really made me out to be what I am today. Well a good part
of it. I'm hyper, needy for attention, a flirt, devious in
many ways, i dont trust people.
then came a boyfriend...
two boyfriends have changed me.
First was James. a charmer. Most of my poetry is about him.
Mostly the "you charmed what you wanted" or things
like "Your fucking lies" ect.
James was the black hair, brown eyes, cute smile, charmer
kind of guy. Of course, being the sap and needy for
attention girl I was I fell for him. (my first love).. even
though i had many boyfriends before him I can openly and
honestly admit he was my first love. (puppy love, mind you)
I never felt passion of the love stuff with any one else
till he came along.
I find out a few months later what an ass he is. And he...
was the first one to drown me in my own tears and turn me
to poetry for an escape. He was the one who helped me in
poetry.. yet savagely rip my heart to shreds.
I can honestly admit i still have feelings for him. There's
always that nudge in me that says "The charmer, my love"
But.. i wouldnt ever date him again.. not ever. The feeling
of love for him passed. All I hold that I 'love' about
him.. is memories. things that will -never- be the same.
Then there was Charles.
Opposite of James. i was his first girlfriend, mind you. He
had dirty blonde hair and blue eyes. Lived near me. A block
or so down the road from me. he played guitar and beleived
in 'true love' not just romancing. Things were bumpy in the
beginning. And it went downhill from there. of course there
were times that really made me love him. Sitting on the
crook of his arm and just talking while he fondly stared
down at me. Or when we watched a movie and just snuggled.
To me it really wasnt just the charm. it was more than
that. And I fell for that too becuase he gave me
attention,.. he gave me more than charm.. but i couldnt ot
give him enough. I, who stil held onto the past.. still had
feelings for james.. still was the flirt and tease and
everything form highschool. i couldnt give up
those 'precious' things. So we broke up.. then got back
togther. it went on like this for a half year. Till finally
he got sick of me and left. We didnt talk for 4 or 5
months. i finally decided to talk to him so he could get to
know the 'new' me. Yes I changed myself for him over those
months. I struggled to find what was wrong. And I kept
changing (mind you this is the shortened version ,it goes
on much longer.. im only leaving in important details) I
would call him and ask what was wrong with me. And he would
tell me for hours. And I would cry while he did this. i
realized what a 'horrible' person i was. And eveverything
that I ever did wrong. ANYTHING. or anything he thought I
sucked at. He thinks I stink at poetry and writing. And it
made me beleive 'if I suck at those things.. I must suck at
my other 'talents' too. I mean i thought i was good at
poetry, and writing, what if I suck at these too?' The list
goes on. Anyways I ended up becoming this person devoid of
feeling. I couldnt smile with out faking it. Couldnt laugh
with out faking. Couldnt make a joke with out faking. Let
me tell you folks. I became the best actor in history. I
still am.
And after Charles and I seperated for good.. I became off-
I'm still on my way to recovery.. yet i ponder if i can..
or even want to change. being void of emotions and feelings
makes my life easier.. just not every one around me. Every
one misses the "happy terra"..
I have 'friends' (I admit a few are good) who make me
really smile or laugh.. or even sometimes make me hyper. .I
have loved ones.. too..
but now im just this offbalance girl.. .happy? odd?
hyper? ..blank?

I dont know any more.. I used to try and find the answers
to my pointless and idiotic questions.. and now I find
myself.. just not wanting to.