Strigouiiate

Strigouiiate's Thoughts
2002-12-08 02:22:26 (UTC)

mommy dearest

609 days until I'm 18.

Dear Bob,
I wish she would just leave me alone. But then
again I don't. I wish that if she really loved me she would
show it like a normal person would, like a normal mother.
What does it matter if deep down she loves me? If I can't
tell she loves me, what's the point then? I wish she
wouldn't make me cry like she always does. It gets worse
every time. She is the only person who makes me cry
anymore. I hate crying. I wish I could just hate her
without feeling bad about it because she is my mother. I
wish she would try, for one single day, to spend some time
with me. Just to prove to her that I am not as bad of a
person as she thinks I am. I wish she would be nice to me
and laugh with me at jokes and go see a movie with me
together, and then we could both make fun of it together.
Together. Not as enemies, but as allies, even if it is just
for one day.
She has no legitmate reason to loath me. I,
however, can think of more than my fingers could number.
I wish she could just hug me and smile. Tell me she
loves me. Even it's just for pretend. Even she doesn't
really mean it. I just miss her so much. The old her. I
want her to leave me alone, but that's only because she
doesn't know how what she's doing is destroying any chance
of us having contact with each other when I grow up and
move the hell out of Kentucky. Then again, if I tell her to
leave me alone just for a year and a half, then who's to
say she'll want anything to do with me after that time?
It's a risky situation to conduct emotional business with
overly emotional, unstable people.
I can't just "put this all behind me." She's my
goddamned mother. You don't just throw people like that
away from your memory. I've spent 15 years living with her,
and one (this year) with my dad. I love living at my dad's
a whole lot more, but that doesn't mean she needs to be
jealous of him. There is a reason I moved to my dad's and
acting like she is isn't going to motivate me to move back
in to her house. Nothing, I do believe, will. She lies,
too. She thinks I'm stupid and that I won't catch her.
I didn't use to be this bad. It started getting
really bad in March. That's when I attempted suicide (for
the seventh time, but no one really knows that) and was
institutionalized. I don't know if it's right to blame her,
but I do anyway. Not because I'm insane and I think she was
sending me subliminal messages telling me to kill myself.
It's because of the carelessness she showed that day, and
the melodramatic empathy she showed through the following
month. It's strange, really. If you're going to behave
inappropriately you might as well stick to one way of doing
it. Not change your mind half-way and think that no one is
going to notice. Trust me, I noticed. Also, she has major
control issues about me. Great example: I am working and I
need to open a bank account, right? Right. Well, my dad and
I were going to open an account for me, one where I can
access it when I please and make withdraws/deposites and
all that jazz. When my mother found out about this, she
decides, "No."
I ask her, "Why not?"
She replys, "Because I am your legal guardian and
what I say goes."
I ask her what that has, "to do with MY DAMN
MONEY?"
She says, "Until you're 18 you are not going to
have access to your money."
Basically we got into a huge fight over it. I ended
up punching my mirror a few times and skinning two knuckles
on my right hand. She ended up calling my dad and talking
to him for a long time. I recieved a phone call from him
this morning.
He tells me, "I hear you and your mother got into
another fight."
I say, "Yes, yes we did."
"She told me that she doesn't care about what you
do with your money. She says it's up to you and me, and she
wants no part in it."
"That is such bullshit The reason we were fighting
in the first place was because she was being a controling
bitch"
"She says otherwise."
"Well she's a liar --"
Then I hung up the phone. I'll not have her
poisoning my dad's mind with her manipulative, dishonest
ways. She can hate me all she wants as long as she keeps
away from my dad and doesn't turn him against me. He is all
I have left. If he dies within the next year and a half, I
have to live with my mother until I turn 18.
Now you know why I count down until I turn 18. I've
been counting since I was 9 years old. That's how long I've
wanted to get away from this place and all the bad memories
it contains. I don't care if I am acting selfish about
anything now. It's just time for me to make a choice. It's
time for my mother to make one, too. For me, it's either
hell or hope. For her, it's either her or me.
I'm sick to my stomach now. I have to leave in
about 40 minutes to go visit Dave at work at the mall. I
miss him so much. We spent hours on the phone last night
talking about all of the above. He gave me some really good
advice. He is the only thing keeping me sane anymore. If it
wasn't for him I wouldn't get through this.
Just think. Taking your childhood, your memories,
your life-giver, and throwing it out the window, never even
stopping to watch it fall and hit the ground.
Destroying.
Killing.
Erasing.
I choose hope.
-hugz-
u no hoo.




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