Mad_hatter

A new beginning
2002-12-08 01:23:49 (UTC)

Cant stand the pain

Her and I talked today but 2 days ago she finally said I
love you. I cant be there to go through this pregnancy with
her, because she cannot stand the sight of me right now. I
missed Skylars pregnancy by being with everyone else except
for her, and I regret it. Again, I'm going to miss the
stages of pregnancy. She doesnt want to be a family, but
basically have another man become the word I sooo long
for, "daddy." I know she'll never take me back now, but
sometimes I wish I'd wake up and I'd be another person,
another personality, the ideal father. I broke Kathys heart
for christ sake and I'm just noticing it. I broke the heart
that believed in me and trusted me. The only person that
gave a damn about me I pushed on the ground. Man, I'm such
a fucking idiot. I wish she'd read this shit to understand
how I feel... most of all...I need to listen to her. I dont
want to lose her, I dont want to have 2 families, I dont
want to be called a psycho. But I brought this on myself. I
dont want to make a plan to get her back, or beg
her....becoming myself is what needs to happen. Kathy knows
I dont like being myself. I'll try to be like anyone else
but me. I've been someone else since 9th grade. Everyone is
so cool and fun to hang out with except me. I always
thought Kathy was cool. She had friends, a nice
personality, and everyone wanted her. I just had to have
that. I've tried to become a prep, a mobster, even a thug
but never me. I always saw something wrong with showing
affection, and holding Kathy....even giving her kisses
randomly because I considered myself a "hardass". I just
gotta be myself. If I could be myself, I'd stop headgames,
and the sudden meanness, and be an actual "loving cool guy"
that she would love to be around. Kathys always been
my "babygirl", but I havent treated her good. Kathy was
right... people dont change, but they can always become
theirselves. I cant be worried about myself... she could even have
cancer. I need to take care of Kathy as I would a princess, because
she needs to see I care and I know she doesnt see that I care. I dont
mind people seeing the birth of my child. I want to be in the clinic
with her. She says her mom wont be in there during her exams and I
want that, but I would want her mom to be in delivery. I just need to
wise up and listen to my loves needs. To Kathy




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