Unexpected Mysteries
2001-08-27 05:52:17 (UTC)

Thought it was time to go to bed, but nope

It's 10:43PM, sarah decided she wanted something to eat
before bed. I fixed her something while I listen to music,
putting in another entry. Man I am so tired but I feel I
need to air my feelings. Why am I with this guy, Nick has
be thinking about him all the time. We don't see eachother
like we use to, and we give eachother kisses and I love U's
through our pagers. I miss being with him. He makes me
laugh, and his arms wrapped around me, his kisses. His
touch, I miss it so much. When we make love, it's really
nice, he take care of my needs.

I am so confused about him, there are times when I don't
want to be with him at all, but then I'm lonely for him all
the time. What's going on with that. I feel if I leave,
we probably won't be together, but I want to be with here.
I don't want to feel like I'm waisting my time being here,
and it's just a waste....How could someone do that to
another person. If one does not have any intentions I mean
true intentions, then they should let them go. Don't give
someone false hope. I don't know what to do anymore. I
know about the saying, if it's true love then let it go,
and if it does not come back it wasn't suppose to be.

Guess I'm afraid to find out. Because I'm afraid I will
find out that Nick really had no intentions of being with
me. I have made a few mistakes in my life, but this one is
the biggest one. What should I do? I've wrote him many
times, saying I'm leaving. He probably feels like I'm just
pulling his leg, but I know it only is going to take one
real thing to happen, he will really have to hurt my
feeling and then I'm gone. I know it. This time no
justification, for his actions. I keep hearing this song
in my mind about Love is what the word was, the lyrics are
about a guy in a relationship being dishonest, and she
finds out, and she's asking how could you do that to us.
And how she trusted him like a child.

I am so afraid I'm feeling like this, about Nick. I love
this song. I wish I could just leave him alone, but he
gives me something to hold on to. Trust is a
motherfucker!!!! I don't want to trust another man, cuz
I've given this one my all, more than my husband. I'm
afraid Nick is going to really hurt me. I just need a hand to pull
me out of this madness, I feel like I've hit rock bottom, I have to
stay strong for my child, she does not deserve this bullshit. Is it
my fault? I waited late in live to have her, and I wanted her. I
need help in getting my life together, I don't want someone to tell
me what to do, but just a shoulder or a helping hand. Maybe that's
why I'm writing. I'm going to stay strong. It's bed time. The
dragon of a husband just walked in, looking like death on a pole.
Saying why is sarah still woke. He just don't know. I don't have to
go to work. Good night!!