the seeker

comfort in my own skin
2002-12-07 14:48:16 (UTC)

new friendships with old friends

these past few weeks ive spent a lot of my time creating
new friendships with old friends. i actually think its
quite healthy, because for once, ive been doing what I want
to do with them, and not merely following on for the sake
of following. I actually get a say on what Im going to do,
which is not very often.

last weekends, in front of twenty girls with mud-packed
caked faces, i broke down for the first time and admitted
that i never really thought that anyone loved me for real.
i told my friends of many years that i never believed them
when they told me they loved me, i told them how painful it
was for me to never hear God speak to me. i let loose and
cried. for the first time in front of people.

this week, i tried building new friendships with old
friends. i tried letting myself be loved. i went on
overnights with my friends, i opened up to those i never
believed would listen.

i had lunches and ate fattening food. i talked about my
growing insecurity. but i was happy.

i think. and though i am overworked and really tired, i
think i am happy.

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