Chapter One: The Evil Within
2001-08-27 03:18:45 (UTC)

Two guys

Okay, I know that I don't want one of those really
demanding relationships right now, but I hate when people
get together and talk about there boyfreinds, and how great
they are, and all the things they say and do. I want
flowers some times, or a teddy!? Maybe its me, maybe i am
looking for something that i know i dont need, and that i
can never have, I see all these people really happy, and
stuff with their significant others, and i am happy for
them, i like when my firneds are happy, but deep inside, i
have this sharp little pain. I am not realyl happy, but
hey, i can make myself look that way cant i. I am happy in
some ways, i am happy that i got to fix the brakes, and i
did almost perfectlly, but i dunno, i guess i still have
these "girlie" (choking on words as they are said) things
that i would like. That dress i wanted, i dont need it, i
still want it, but i have no where to wear it, so there is
no point in me getting it now is there? I still think is
gorgeous, i just dont have the cash, and no place to go.
ever since nineth grade i have wanted to get dressed up
really nice, and go somewhere with someone, probably a guy,
that i would feel special and beutious for one night! thats
not going to happen this b-day i suppose, but i guess i
have many more dont i?

There are these 2 guys i like, one, likes me as just a
friend, go figure right? and the other practically the
same, but he dont think i like him cause i have to pretend
that i dont cause my "friend" likes him, and she dont know,
so lets not try to piss people off! right? or no? i dunno,
either way, the people i like, dont like me, except for a
friend, go figure, thats my life, a whole bunch of friends,
and the guys i like, my friends, and from now on, if i a
guy starts talking to me and being my friend, i think i
will be wise enough, esspecially if i like him, to
scream "go away, i have enough friend!"

Stupid me with my stupid dreams, and wishes, and life, and
guy habits that i have, and friends that are guys and my
life and my life and esspecially my life, maybe if i were
to have been a guy instead of just acting like one it would
be a whole lot easier! Stupid "X" chromosome! I should have
been a penguin, they find one penguin, and choose that one
for life, and they dont have all these dreams and stuff
other than surviving and having lots of little penguins!

yeah, penguins are cool, and smart! and they cant fly!
well, that irelivant, and i cant even spell what i am
thinking, but its all good, life is great, i have friends,
i have guy friends, and only just friends that are guys,
and 2 stupid "x" chromosomes, and a sharp little pain deep
inside, and all the dreams that wont be, and the red dress
that i see in my dreams but dont have the cash or a point
for getting, yeah, its all good! dandy! fucking perfect,
cause its my life!