Locked Inside my Book
2001-08-27 02:36:09 (UTC)

Heart Ache

The one song that tortures me the most. It physically
hurts, a pressure builds in my lungs from the emotional
pain i feel when i listen to this song. It's Wicked Games
by Chris Issak. It's not the lyrics, i don't pay attention
to it, it's just the whole song itself, they way it goes,
the emotion. It brings back old thoughts and memories and
yet brings new thoughts. All i can think about is Jay. I
miss him soo bad. I've never felt like this before. It's
not fair. I feel like bursting into tears. My heart hurts
soo bad. I just want him back, I'd give almost anything for
him. I don't know why i feel like this. I just know that
the picture of me in his arms brings so much comfort to me.
Just the smile on his face makes me melt. The hug he gave
me, his touch just makes me wanna cry of joy but of sadness
b/c i can't have it back. I still remember what he looks
like. The way he walked, talked, the way his hair fell on
his face. I'll never be able to get over him. Thoughts of
him keep coming back to me. there is nothing that triggers
it, i never see him. i must be crazy. i know i must be
crazy. crazy for him and i shouldn't be. I'm just gonna cry
and cry and cry. Nothng will bring him back. I'm soo sad
with out him. if he's not the one for me, i want to be able
to find that out. i just want to have that chance. be with
him again, see him again, be in his arms again. i'll never
forget that hug. I'm such a head case. I wonder if i met
another guy who was great, my feelings for jay would
change. i think that's what i need b/c these feelings are
going to fade on their own and i'm torturing myself. This
hurts so bad. I don't even want to know what a heart break
feels like if this isn't a heart break. I dunno if what i'm
feeling is love but i'm pretty sure it's not, i just want
to be able to love him and for him to love me back.