2002-12-07 00:54:52 (UTC)


I did something that I always told myself that I was going
to do.....I told Leroy to his face that I wanted to be with
him. Yep Well, that's how I felt about it after I did it.
I was proud of myself because it's hard for me to do things
like that, especially w/ Leroy. I told myself that I was
going to let him think about it. I wasn't going to call him
or anything. I told myself that the fact that I did
something I thought I could never do was enough alone. He
told me that he was going to call me on his way home. But
he never did. I was cool w/ it though. Anyway, I got online
one day just to surf the net. I was bored. I checked out
the Clemson website and saw something that shocked me.
Leroy's roommate got dismissed from the team. Well I just
got the certain urge to call him to talk to him about the
whole situation. I just wanted to see where his head was
and if he was okay. I had no intentions on talking to him
about "us".....he didn't answer his phone at all. I'm not
even sure how many times I called him. Well, after talking
to a friend, she told me to not call him anymore. Okay, I
got that into my mind and was not going to think about the
situation anymore. DO YOU KNOW......that same nite I got
the "fuck the boy" talk.....Leroy called me Why does shit
work out like that? Anyway, I was working on my final
english paper that was due the next day, so I told him I
was reading....which I was....so he told me to call him
back when I was finished. Called the nigga back and he
didn't answer his phone. Called him more times after
that....he still didn't answer his phone. I just don't get
this shit. It always works like this. When I make it up in
my mind to let it go....he always calls or something. It
gets me every time. It's not that I'm stupid because it's
not like I fall for stuff like this with every dude I know.
No other dude does this for me. I can just say fuck it. But
with this nigga....it's not that easy. I fall for it
because I always feel like one day he will come to me and
be ready. For what....I'm unsure about. I mean, I told him
that I wanted to be with him and he didn't really respond
to me w/ his answer. Not even to say that he didn't feel
the same. That part doesn't matter to me. If he doesn't
want to be w/ me, then that's okay. I'll be fine with that.
I just wish he would tell me that. I think that's what got
me going when he called out the blue like that. Maybe he
was going to say something about that. I don't know. But I
told him that I wanted to be with him. It was one of the
hardest things that I've had to do in a long time. I felt I
had to say it to his face because we are both grown and I
thought it was the best way to handle it. Now, I wish he
would handle the situation the same way I'm trying to
handle it. AS ADULTS. Just let me know something. I mean, I
said I wanted to be with him because it's what I want. I've
thought about it for a long time. I've always wanted to be
with him, but I never thought it to be real because I was
in M'ville and I didn't have much to choose from. I thought
that was the only reason I wanted him like that. After
being away at school, in Atlanta, and talking to different
dudes....he's who I want. I've met dudes that have
everything together. BUT....he's all I want. I use to think
that long-distance relationships would never work out, but
I realized that they don't workout because one of the two
people was never that strong. I had to ask myself if I
could be strong. By being strong I mean, not being tempted
by other people and cheating. I know I can do it. But he
can't. Just wish he would tell me that he doesn't want a
relationship with me. It's that freakin' easy