someone_maybe

of little importance
Ad 2:
2002-12-06 17:12:57 (UTC)

until you reach

WHERE AM I I ASK MYSELF
sometimes you find yourself
in the last place that you look
and in the last place that you'd expect.
sometimes when you find yourself there
you wish you hadn't
and you think you were better off not knowing.
sometimes you find yourself
cast into the street
not by anyone else but you.
sometimes when you find yourself there
tears screams and words escape you
because of all the pain you've caused.
sometimes you find yourself
in a last ditch attempt
to struggle on the way you've gone.
sometimes when you find yourself there
you want to help yourself up
so you don't have to change.
sometimes you find yourself
lonely and lost in a mist
that everyone can see through but you.
sometimes when you find yourself there
you want to stay lost
since it's easier that way.
sometimes you find yourself
seeing and knowing and understanding the truth
yet still blindly ignoring it.
sometimes when you find yourself there
you want to stay in the dark
for no one will understand what light means.

when you find yourself here
you have to change
once knowledge and truth are seen
they cannot be erased
no matter how much you ignore them
they will not be forgotten
etched into your mind
burning your insides
however deep you bury the realizations
it's impossible to be rid of them
finding their way to your consciousness
resistance, in the end, is futile
you can change
and live
or stay the same
lost, ignorant, and alone
bleeding in the street
and die


no one can reach out to you until you've first extended
your hand to yourself.


i can't change alone
can't change on my own
well, i could but i'd rather not have to


why am i stressed out...?...

it's not that i'm stressed out. i'm not. things are good
and life is good and i'm enjoying it and all the
opportunities it's offering me at the moment.

so i'm not stressed out, i'm just stressed.

why...?...

in a nutshell...friends, home, love, sleep, exams, no time,
and all the things that have to be done before i move.

details:

friends-
trying to help them when they don't want to be helped or
won't tell me what's going on. being yelled at. being
confronted about the thing i hate about me...which is no
one's fault but my own. but since a friend is the one who
has to confront me then it's under this category. trying
to restore confidence in them. assuring them. reassuring
them. not getting to see them. being left in the dark.
them thinking these things and others are their fault and
are wrong when they're not and that's why i'm here.

home-
the poem i wrote last time, i don't remember the
name...whichever one was twenty two lines long, with a
space in between the eleventh and twelfth lines, and which
said something about i'll do anything to keep you away from
me...if you don't know what i'm talking about just read the
last entry. slacker. things with sis are better. bro's
going to miss me so he wants to hang out a lot. stuff with
mom and what's going on with her. i wish they would just
get it over with and get a divorce.

love-
lacking. that's basically it.

sleep-
none. yep that's it for that one too.

exams-
i only have one final but it's in my hardest subject. i
haven't even gone to class in like the past month. it
wasn't helping me and i'm a slacker and was tired of
staying here an extra two hours between classes to be bored
out of my mind. so...yeah. i had my last exam in one
class today...think i did pretty well on it. could have
gotten as low as a sixty five and still have an a, but i
think i got an a anyways. last paper already written in
english. so those two classes are done with. last exam in
one class on monday. then in the other class i have an
exam on monday and the final on wednesday. fun fun i
know. i'm only worried about the one with the final. and
i'm not real worried about it. i'm not one to stress over
school stuff, it's just not really helping with everything
else that's going on.

no time-
going to school full time and working thirty hours a week
leaves exactly that. it's hard not being able to do what i
want. and it's hard when my friends need me...or i need
them...but when classes are over it will be better i'm
sure. i have to finish christmas shopping, can't wait to
be able to do that, i love doing it...buying things for my
friends and family. i think i had some really good ideas
this year. i hope adam likes the big thing i'm getting
him. i almost told him yesterday...omigosh it was so
close. but i didn't. thank goodness. since i'll have two
days off after classes are over, well two and a half, i
should be able to see everyone before i have to
leave...which brings me to the next topic.

all the things i have to do before i move-
contact her, contact them, application here, phone call
there, emails to respond to, things to box up, arrangements
to be made to be able to live, friends to see, goodbyes to
be said, hellos to be said, letters/phone calls to them to
transfer funds, visit to them to transfer funds,
undo/cancel those, etc., etc.

i'm sure there's more things, but i'm getting more and more
tired just thinking about all the stuff that's going on and
needs to be going on.

stress = no sleep
no sleep = stress

i think i'm going round in circles.

maybe.

duh.

-s_m


Ad:2