Moradeth

This is my life... welcome to it
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2002-12-06 07:29:50 (UTC)

built up breakdown

... wow, thats really depressing. my parents just love to
break down my self-esteem. my dad was just yelled at me,
about i'm spoiled and that i expect people to feel sorry
for me and give me a grade. thats not true, i dont expect
people to feel sorry for me, and i do what i need to do.
he said that i just lie and get by like that. i told him i
did an assignment and turned it in, it took an hour. he
said i was lying, that i didnt do it, that i didnt work at
all, that when i said i was working on something and that
it will take an hour to finish (i had just started) that
why was i lying. he didnt even listen to me, god i hate my
parents. sometimes its my mom, but tonight its my dad. i
swear, if i had stabbed myself in my stomach right then, he
wouldnt care, he would stand there, or walk away, because
he wouldnt feel sorry for me, and i wouldnt care what he
did. if he called 911, i wouldnt care, if he laughed, i
wouldnt care, i dont care about fucking shit right now.
all i know is that i've been working on homework for the
past 3 hours (2 with the yelling) and its fucking shit. i
dont care, my mind is going numb from doing math and
reading shit i already know. i'm just gonna start skimming
again... the bull shit my parents put on me though, its
really annoying, and it pisses the hell outta me. i build
up self-esteem, they just break it back down, but
seriously, i've dropped really low now, i was really
tempted to go to the kitchen and grab a knife, it would
have saved me from a lot more yelling. i kinda stopped
listening to my dads yelling, just tuned out yelling now, i
could be yelled at for a few hours right now, and i wouldnt
pick up much if any.

while doing some health thing, it talked about people's
fears and how is healthy to fear things, knowing what you
fear. i thought about it for a minute, and i fear of being
without someone forever... it sounds stupid, i know, but i
mean, what, the past 18 months being single? god dam, i
hate it so much, but i mean theres nobody i really like
now, just one, and i've never really met her. there are a
ton of hot and cute girls at our school, how many do i
like... how many do i have a shot with? not many, some, but
not all... i'd say a few...

well, i'm sick of working and think i'm gonna go pass out
night, night.


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