2001-08-26 15:59:48 (UTC)

same old same old

today i am babysitting, AGAIN! i have been doing this for a
month now about EVERY DAY! but atleast i only have one kid
today and she is sleeping, thank god! i am so happy, i am
comming home on tuesday, FINALLY! i can't wait to see
everyone, i am not used to being away from my friends for
so long. i know that sounds really dumb, but it is hard
going from seeing your friends daily, to not seeing them
for a month. but i will be homw saturday. i am really
bummin because one of my friends that i have been waiting
so long to see won't be there when i get back :( but i will
live, SOMEHOW! i actually have nothing to write about and
that feels so good. a stress reliever! yay! i got an email
yesterday from someone who had read my diary entries. she
had no idea that i felt that way about life. it really made
her nervous. she old me that she was always there if i
needed her and that she loved me very much. as i was
reading it i just cried. i never thought anyone really
cared about me that much, but she cared about me enough to
take the time to tell me, and that made me so angry at
myself for thinking that no one cared and that i was alone.
i felt so stupid because i didn;t think i had anyone or
anything to live for. then after i read it i looked back on
my life. i thought about all the people i have helped when
they needed me, and how i had been a good friend to others
even if thet had treated me badly in the past. i thought
about how i had grown since my last suicide attempt and i
thought about how if i had gone through with it how many
people would miss me. then i got this overwealming feeloing
of selfishness. to think that i thoguht i had it so badly!
it made me sick to think about the other people that i had
helped in the past who had it so much worse than i did. i
had no reason to think that my life wasn't worth living.
and if my friend reads this i want to say thankyou.
thankyou for helping me realize all of this, and thankyou
for letting me know how much you care. i can go out without
feeling guilty for leaving home and i can be happy, that's
ok, i am allowed to be happy. i never allowed myself to be
happy because of all of the pain and suffering i had been
through and because of all of the pain that i have helped
others get through. i focused on other people and what they
were dealing with without focusing on me and my problems.
and once i took some time out to figure out my problem and
what was going on with me, i realized that i don't need to
have the answers for everything and it's ok for me to look
to others for help. THANKYOU

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