~AsTrO HeArT~
2001-08-26 08:10:18 (UTC)

Saturday, August 25, 2001

Dear Journal,
Things are changing like crazy like they always are. It's
been a long night, and I of course got all emotional on Ty
again. I don't mean to; it just happens. I know he has a
ton of stress on him right now from his job and everything,
but I do too. Mine is mostly from missing him and still
being in love with him, yet him not wanting that and never
being here anymore. Things fly through my mind and heart so
fast, and I tend to get really emotional when I start to
think about things by myself and no one else is around.
Ugh, why can't I just get over him?! I mean, it's over. I
think somehow I need to get that into my head because my
heart is just going to end up broken again. Suspicion
surrounds him when he is around, whether he knows it or
not, because I have found out the truth about so many lies
he has told me, yet I continue to kiss his feet in hopes he
will come back to me. Either I am just love sick or this is
true love and that is why I keep having this feeling that I
shouldn't give up on him. I mean, yes, he DOES utterly mean
the universe to me, but I don't know how much more of this
I can handle. He is cold around me, and he doesn't want
anything more than friends. I have asked him if he would
wait 2 years for me until I got out of school, and he
doesn't know... because that would be really hard. Knowing
him, he will find someone else anyway. So why am I even
putting myself through this? I have no clue. Actually, yes,
I do... I cannot control these emotions anymore, so I am
not putting myself through anything, it just happens. Ty
and I could be perfect together if he would just stop lying
and settle down with me. He is so great, he just doesn't
know it yet, and I do. I've seen a part of him I am sure
few people have and I just can't let go of that this
easily. I know he is afraid to lose me, and when we are
apart he starts to miss me. So maybe thats the only way to
get him to realise I really mean a lot to him... to not
kiss his feet as much as I do and go back to being kind of
held back around him... because thats when he fell for me.

I know he is just confused about what he really wants and doesn't
realise how much he could really hurt people by doing what
he does.

If I still have these strong feelings for him when I am 18,
I am going to go to Minnesota and try to work things out if he is
still interested... I am the type of person that is not satisfied
until I try or until someone totally shuts me down... which has
happened before. I am not going to push him, but I am also
not going to give up until I get a straight answer from him
stating he wants me to.

Thats all for now. I am tired.