kiss me, kill me, hold me, thrill me
2002-12-05 06:51:41 (UTC)

Convo with Dave

This is the convo I had with Dave tonight. He got pretty
frustrated with me I think. Maybe he didn't know I was
going to call tonight. Sounds like he thought my final
was tomorrow. Oh well. Take from this what you will. I
put it as a separate post so it could be read on it's own
if people wished to do so. I know I have a couple readers
out there.

g: I have a final tonight and I'm getting really depressed
and stressed out.
d: why are you getting depressed/
g: It's the same old thing. Thinking about why I'm in
school and that none of it fucking matter since my Great
Aunt and Grandmas can't ever see me graduate.
d: yes they can
g: Not like I want them to though. I can run and show
them my diploma. I can't hug them.
d: I understand, I wanted my grandfather at my wedding (if
it ever happens) but I know he'll be looking down from
heaven on me all the time
d: he is always there, I just have to ask
g: I know, but I have changed a lot since I lost them and
maybe they don't like me the way I am now.
d: what do you mean?
d: why do you not like yourself now?
g: I just feel like I am not who I was. I suddenly grew
up or something. I lost my innocence somewhere.
g: I don't mean that I don't like who I am now. It's just
different than who I was.
d: thats just growing up, we all change
d: nothing we can really do about it, we can not stop time
g: I know that. Not all the changes have been good
though. I'm a more negative person now. I get worked up
over the stupid shit. I second guess myself constantly.
d: something I learned from one of the guys I have been
working with.. What does stress do for you, Nothing. Well
let shit slide, don't get worked up over the small stuff,
fix it, learn from it, and go on... don't dwell on things
that shouldn't be
g: It's hard to do. I should have started studying
earlier for this test. I keep wondering if I'm closing
any doors in life and not knowing it. Have I blown past
something that could have been amazing like an opportunity
or something? I guess I'm in a questioning mood.
d: well, I don't want to keep you from your studying,
which is far more important than talking to me.. I wish
you the best of luck, and I am sure you will be sucessful,
just like I know you can be
g: right now I don't even think I'll get a C on the test
d: why
g: nothing seems to be sticking. I have a million things
going on in my head. I am freaking out right now.
d: relax, please
d: step back, and take a deep breath
d: what makes you happy?
g: right now I don't know what makes me happy.
d: you must have something that indefinitly makes you happy
g: I have though about kicking back a few drinks before
the test. I know that's a terrible idea though.
d: no, I'm being serious
d: I really do care about you, I'd almost say that I love
you as a friend (which there are only a few other people
that I feel that way about)
g: I am very grateful that you care so much. I just want
to escape the world for a few days. I know that doesn't
help or solve anything.
g: I never really figure out what my problems are. I just
forget about them till the come around again.
d: can I ask what is bothering you so
g: I don't know what's truely bothering me.
g: I know that currently it's this test, but that's got to
be only a small part of it.
d: is everything ok between you and jp?
d: did you do something you regret?
g: Yea, things are going great.
d.oakes: is there something you wish you had done
g: I'm not sure.
g: I know that I am happy with the way my life is going.
I just wonder if I'm settling or could I be happier
d: in what way?
g: I guess with JP. I love him to death, but how long
with that last?
d: depends, how long do you want it to last, how long does
he want it to last?
d: can you see yourself marrying him? can you see wanting
to spend everyday with him? do you have doubts about other
people, other things you want to do
g: I can see us getting married. I'm not 100% sure that I
want to spend the rest of my life with him though. I'm
like 90% sure.
g: The rest is the what if questions in my head. I mean
there are other people I care about deeply too.
d: you are only in your early twenties, don't rush into it
d: don't do something you might regret
g: I won't.
g: At least I'll try not to.
d: ok, I need you to do something for me
g: what?
d: get up, sign off of IM, go for a walk outside for a few
minutes, relax, breath, run around. Then come back, put on
your favorite CD, dance around, and then go sit on your
bed and study, because I know you can do it, and I know
you will pass your test tomorrow
d: call me if you want to talk, I miss hearing your voice
g: ok. I'll at least turn on some music, dance around and
try to relax.
g: would you still be up at say 9? well, 9 here.
d: I can be
d: but, GO and take a walk... relax... please
g: I'll call you after my test and tell you how bad it
d: no, don't think that way
d: this is the only time I will tell someone how to be...
but if you going thinking you will fail, you will
d: what good is it going to do you if you continuely think
you are going to fail?? nothing
d: you won't fail
g: ok, I'll go take a short walk and think thoughts about
doing well on the test
d: good
d: don't drink, cause it won't help and call me anytime
you want to
d: promise
g: I promise I will call you sometime later. And I will
not drink before class.
d: thank you
d: I will talk to you later then... go study
g: ok. thanks for listening.
d: I will always listen
d: but I need to get some dinner (I am dying here)
d: I will talk to you later on
g: ok. sounds good
d: Think positive thoughts, and you can suceed