Visions Of Life
2002-12-05 05:49:30 (UTC)

Everytime I Have Hope I Get Fucked

My life is spiraling. Good, bad, good, terrible. I cant
win. Everytime I have hope that all will work out, I get
fucked over. I finally had hope that all my problems would
be okay and everything seemed okay and then right before we
were going to have sex, he tells me i've been a selfish
bitch. I cant think of anything mean or selfish ive done.
Ive been working my ass off, trying to be cheerful and
doing all i can for him and he has the audacity to call me
selfish. I do not know where the fuck this came from. We
fought last night Then tonight was wonderful. Then we
almost have sex then out of nowhere he is mad.

For the first time in a long time i am suicidal. And I dont
have anyone to talk to. Im waiting for a call as I type
this. I hate everything. I hate myself. I hate life. I hate
him right now for the things he said. Oh yes, he just tried
to come in here to hold me then had to bring up everything

I havent done anything wrong and everyone is mad at me.

I want to take sleeping pills but i need to get up at 7. I
have already been paid for tomorrow so i cant call in sick.
I want to cutand probally will. I was so good until
yesterday. I cut my wrist yesterday. Just 2 tiny cuts. I
hate myself for it and will have to look at it for a week.
I want to hurt myself really really bad tonight but ifi do
i will hate myself even more and he will hate me too and
then ill be too ashamed to even get naked. I cant win.
Maybe i can repeatedly hit myself till i bruise. I dont
have any pills to take ecept sleeping pills but those are
off limits. Maybe i have enough caffeine pills to fuck up
my heart. But ive done upper drugs and topped them off with
like 6 caffeine pills and lived so i cant hurt myself that
way. My life is already fucked up so i cant fuck it up
anymore except by dumping him which i dont want to do.

I love him and maybe ive been a little self absorbed but i
have enough shit on my mind. I still thought about other
people tho. I was mad at him for awhile so maybe that came
across as me being selfish. I still think i am in the
right. I cant find anything to justify that ive been mean
ort selfish. God, we had such a wonderful weekend. Even
earlier tonight he told me i was the most important person
in his life and that he would give up everything just to
have me. That was like 3 hours ago at most

I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die

All i need is someone to talk to and there is no one. My
brother said i could talk to him but im not calling at 10
at night and whining about all of this.

I was also told i whine. So i cry alot lately. Its either
cry or cut. I cant control the tears. All of the emotion
that led to cutting comes out in tears for the most part. I
want to cut now but i do not have the physical need to. I
had alot to "whine" about and most i kept to myself so i
dont know what the hell he is talking about. I listen to
him whine about everything and i just listen and hold him
or whatever. Ive just been keeping my mouth shut cuz i dont
want to burden him with my ever growing list of problems.

I hate myself. Im a fuck up. I cant find a job, I cant pay
my bills even tho i work my ass off (part time doesnt cut
it). Everything i say gets taken the wrong way. I have a
warrant out for my arrest but no one knows but me

Im done writing. Cantcut.Im going to bed.