Blue Castle reverie

My Saga
2001-08-26 04:00:45 (UTC)


Yeah, yeah, typical teen angst, I know. But I swear this
isn't going to be a diatribe about how I want a boyfriend,
blah blah balh etc. Really, there's no one I really want
to date, much less have a relationship with. Let me try to
clarify this point a little bit; not having a "significant other"
doesn't bother me, 'cuz I know that there are plenty of
people who would like to date me. Let me go ahead and say
that I don't have a self-esteem problem; I know that while
I am not beautiful in the traditional sense of the word, I
am very attractive. So, for me, it's not an "Oh, why
doesn't anyone want me?" kind of thing. I guess what
bothers me is how I feel, or rather how I don't. I spent
some time today with one of my friends, Shannon, and her boyfriend,
Joe. And watching them, I guess I was a little jealous. At one
point, they were walking towards each other, and they had
these looks on their faces that I can't even begin to
describe- a look of such bliss, and almost amazement,
merely from the presence of the other. She told me one
time that she remembers the first time she saw him, and
somehow she knew, she knew even then that there was
something special about him. And it kind of worries me
that I haven't ever felt anything like that. I've
had "relationships" before, but, in general, I enjoy being
single, and I tend to chafe in relationships. Which is
another thing that bothers me. I guess it's all part of
the same idea. And yeah, I'm still young, I'm just a kid,
whatever. But I have friends who just celebrated a three-
year anniversary. And I'm the only one of my friends who
isn't in a serious relationship right now. And I'm really
wondering why I can't find anyone.