Jeff Roberts

The Understanding of Myself
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2002-12-05 01:54:53 (UTC)

Entry 1 -December 4-

Entry one...hmmm i thought i'd never start this. i've been
meaning to start this for about 2 months now. I'm Jeff, 16
years old and live in a land called Connecticut. I don't
really understand my life or why things happen but maybe
someday looking back on this maybe i'll understand
somethings hopefully.
Lets start looking at my life and the digust i feel about
it. My dad's a raging alcoholic that tries to control my
life and what i do. My Mom is the kindest person in the
world who i love with my heart. I hate Abercrombie, I Hate
goths, I hate the whole picture of Popularity. it makes me
sick to my stomach. People wanting to be popular is just
absurd and silly. In school people want to be liked by
everyone but no one is ever liked by all. Incase your
curious i smoke marijuana, not to look coooool or sound
cool or anything, just being straight forward. I do it
because...well i dont really know why, i just experimented
and enjoyed it. I don't like school, not because people
dont like me or anything, infact i'd consider myself well
liked by alot of people. i don't like school cause frankly
im not good at it. I dont think i'm good at anything at all
really.I try and try but just dont understand Math or
science or how the United States was formed. I tried and
just don't like. i get decent grades. by decent i mean C's
and one B. I want to be a police officer when i grow up. I
like the sense of control i'd have and the power. I dont
have a girlfriend even though i like certain girls at
certain times. Right now that Girl is a girl named Lauren.
She thinks i'm pretty funny and about looks i doubt it.
Shes cute funny sweet really fuckin horny which i find
really nuts because she is really quiet in school but hey
whatever puts the motion in your ocean i guess. i'm not
good with girls. i always say something insanely stupid and
they end up liking me as "Just friends". that's just a nice
way of saying "hey your ugly and your dumb so dont ever
talk to me again, k?" in their stupid ditzy voice. How can
one person be so ignorant and not even give a decent guy a
A few nights ago, me and my friends (who i will explain
shortly) were pretty high in one kids loft. in the loft
there is no electricity to run tv or radio or pretty much
anything but light. We got into this discussion about Death
and the unknown. this conversation went on for 3 hours. All
of us arguing and explaining and conversing about our own
opinions and others.
Now to the friends descriptions:
Richard - Quiet, sardonicly funny, drinks anything and
everything, smokes the reef. Sickly smart pretty much
straight a's.
Peter- One word to describe Pete is he's crazy, he will do
anything and everything and not afraid to speak his mind
and is my best friend. he gets average grades
Tom- The typical nerdish kid but he's a great guy, i've
probably known him and richard the longest since grade
school. TOm's family is the greatest they are special in
their own way (which i'll explain at another point in
time.) Tom is a pimp. nuff said.
Brett- The owner of the Loft and we also call him naked.
He's pale, blond headed kid. Curtious to parents nice guy
and a big flirt with the ladies. that's why we call him
Back to the death and unknown story...
Peter said "Death is like imagineing a color that is non-
existant, which is impossible" that really got to me.
trying to imagine a color is impossible and to imagine
death and to know what i feels like is impossible in the
same. i think all those p eople who talk about Death and
coming back from the "White light" is full of shit and
should go to hell just for saying that. Even though i was
confirmed as a Episcopalian (catholic), i dont believe in
religon. i think religon is just a comfort blanket that
people latch on to to help them through times. I believe
that there is a Heaven and there is a Hell. I also believe
that where we are right now on this hell. Sorry
to be a pessimist i promise to be more cheerful and
uplifting in the next few passages. These are things that
just have been bugging me the last few days

(Song of the Moment - Slow Motion by Third Eye Blind)