hunger hurts, but starving works

Demented Impulse of the Heart
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Ezoic
2001-08-26 01:08:48 (UTC)

I want to thank you all for nothing at all.

My parents are home with food. And I'm not eating again.
I wish I could. If only I could. Food, and lack, thereof,
has made my life hell. I look at it, my stomach growls,
and I get sick. I can't stomach the stuff anymore. And I
feel so entirely empty. Like some sort of machine, when
I "stage" my eating. Pouring milk into an empty bowl,
splashing some water into it and puting it into the sink;
toasting a piece of bread, crumbling some of the crumbs
into a plate and leaving it for my parents to see. They're
having a little party-like thing for me tomorrow - I don't
know what I'm going to do. They're going to make me eat
cake, god damn it. Fucking cake. Ugh. I can't stand
living like this.

Brian just IMed me. I love Brian. Is it because he
reminds me so much of Lee? I don't really know anymore. I
mean, I started to take interest in him during the time
when I needed Lee most. But he's not just a fall-back
guy. (That makes it sound like we have some sort of more-
than-friends relationship..) He makes me happy. And he
likes the Pavement cd. Go Brian.

My face feels like it's going to rip in two. (Bri'
described it as becoming "ass-faced") Ow. Eff. Hell.
This is totally not cool. And I'm starting to smell the
aroma of food coming from downstairs. ::Le Sigh::

I talked to Lee today, from about 4:30 to 7 in the
morning. I miss him so very much. This is tearing at me.
And in just a short while, he'll be gone.

Yet another reason to look forward to school.

Hum.


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